How can you really judge a character?

I was thinking about the guy I used to date two years ago, ‘L’. I met him through 'gaydar' and on our first date we went for a scroll and small picnic in Regent’s Park. We met in Camden and I was astounded at how good looking he was. He was approximately my height, strong built, two years older than me, black with very short hair, round face, bright dark eyes raised in Scandinavia with a really nice taste in clothes.

On our way to the park, we stopped by a small super market to get some food and coffee. Next to the crisps stand, a small package had fallen on the floor. ‘L’ stopped to pick it up and put it back to its place, tidying the whole stand in the process. It’s so funny, but this minor detail made me like him. His confident, strong personality that he presented made me like him even more.

Unfortunately, the problems appeared quite soon after that first date. I still haven’t managed to figure him out and I will probably never will. ‘L’ tried and appeared as a quite successful, tough, charming person. He was (or maybe still is) a manager of a major retail clothing shop in central London. However, he was amazingly insecure, still having issues with being a homosexual (and with sexual problems on top of that).

What he managed to do is make me very attracted to him by being (very) hard to get. He didn’t want to meet up very often. He only wanted to meet every week or second week for drinks. He loved his ‘manly’ whiskies. He didn’t want me to meet his circle of friends or him to meet mine. Time was passing and I couldn’t figure out what he wanted from me. He was calling the shots and saying when and where we’d meet. I was just following his lead. I don’t believe that would have happened that easily now. I was quite inexperienced then.


Anyway, after the second month (I believe) our ‘relationship’ evolved from being drinking buddies to having sex / sleeping together after drinks as well. The first time he invited me over, I was so ecstatic about it. However, I then realised that ‘L’ had some erectile problems and the things he was promising to do in bed beforehand were just promises for him to hear. I didn’t need nor wanted any promises of having great sex. I didn’t need a porn star in my bed. I have quite normal expectations. ‘L’ however, had the need to prove to me (and him) that he’s quite the macho fucker (rubbish). Having all these high unmet expectations made him frustrated, grumpy and a pain to be around. It was even having an affect on me doubting myself and feeling undesirable.


Anyway, to cut a story short, ‘L’ was very protective and caring. I had a really nice time when I was out with him. Our problems in bed were still there, but I thought to give him some time and support and that maybe it will go away. We didn’t have a normal relationship and we only met sporadically. He even went home with someone else he met in a bar in our night out (my all time low).

The real reason I was thinking about ‘L’ recently, was the fact that at some point I met a colleague of his from work. When I told him that I sporadically was seeing ‘L’ he was surprised but didn’t admit why. I then found out from a common friend (gossiping) that the colleague had the worst impression of ‘L’. He said that no one liked him at work. That he was very obnoxious, hot tempered with occasional drinking issues. ‘L’ apparently had been into fights with most them. I didn’t like it of course, but I thought that ‘L’ being a manager had some responsibilities that made him the ‘bad’ guy always making them do stuff…

Unfortunately, soon after, I got into a very nasty fight with ‘L’. He got extremely jealous of my friend ‘gb’ because we were very close. I have to admit that I didn’t handle the situation on the beginning very well but it sure wasn’t that bad. I thought that we could talk about it like normal people, but ‘L’ was drinking, screaming and verbally abusing me for the next two days. It was really bad. That fight started on Friday night to end in Wednesday with me not picking up the phone any more when he was calling me.

I was thinking about the whole situation recently because a friend was complaining to me about her friend who was about to marry a real jackass. Why can’t she see for herself what an asshole her future husband is?
With ‘L’ I knew that there were problems. I just foolishly thought that with time they might be solved. I was thinking that he was treating me well. I didn’t believe what his colleague told me. I didn’t see the lack of real friends from his part (always important).
Thankfully, I managed to slam the door (hard) at his face. It wasn’t that easy though. Of course I was the ‘bad’ guy at the end with ‘L’ texting me that I am not giving him another chance that he deserved and that I was being awfully harsh at him (among many other things).

My question is this: How can you really see the signs? How can you distinguish the prince on the shinning armour from the prince with the fake teeth and bad breath? How easily is it to accept your friends’ opinion to stay away?

Mistakes?

This Sunday we decided to treat ourselves a little bit and we booked a table at the ‘Blue Elephant’. For those of you who don’t know, it’s an amazing Thai place. They serve a buffet lunch every Sunday which can really be amazing. In most cases, the main courses are not something spectacular but the cocktails and starters are always a very nice treat.

While I was serving myself for the third (I think) time, I saw a young couple right next to us. They appeared in their late twenties, early things, good looking and having one of their first dates. What stroke to me as very weird was the T-shirt; the guy was wearing, which was the following in brown:


It made me wonder. It really can’t be their first date! He wouldn’t wear something like that, would he? If I was in her place would I be offended? Then, I remembered Hugh Grant’s flatmate from ‘Notting Hill’ and the t-shirt he wanted to wear for his date.

So, I googled and I found some t-shirts that you probably shouldn’t wear on a first (gay or straight) date, especially a blind one.









Fortunately, I never was in a similar situation. Once or twice one of us was slightly overdressed compared to the other one, but that is not a major problem…

From a distance…

I was in the tube on Friday night. I had gone to the gym after work and the time was around 9 in the evening. The carriage was mostly empty (don’t know why) and I had a man and a woman sitting right opposite of me. He seemed to be in his early thirties and she was in her late twenties. Obviously they were on a date, a blind date, arranged through the internet. They mentioned a well known dating site. (No, I wasn’t eavesdropping; I was just sitting too close. What was I supposed to do? Put my fingers in my ears not to listen to them?).


Their body language was so apparent, at least to me sitting from a small distance. She had turned her body facing him and was smiling or laughing to almost everything he was saying. He seemed a bit too self conscious, trying to appear interesting. She was also touching him from time to time. You know that seemingly random touch on the hand or thigh when you laugh in someone’s joke. Her touch however was making him even more uncomfortable. He was trying not to look directly at her for too long but instead was trying to face down, avoiding her gaze. I thought that he liked her very much but couldn’t believe his luck about actually going out with her.

At some point he did a big gesture following a story he was saying. His right arm came close to her face and she grabbed it and stroked her chin with the back of his hand. He felt surprised and made a comment like: “Yes, that is my hand”. I had to try to hide my laugh. It was so sweet. She kept for a while holding his hand but he kept on telling an irrelevant story with apparently no ending. He didn’t seem to register the fact that she was onto him. I was actually thinking of telling him to kiss her. It was very obvious that she wanted to and that he was hesitating.


As long as I stayed in that train (I had to get off after a couple of stops) he didn’t do any gesture or movement towards her. I knew that in order for something more to happen, she would have to make it happen. She would have to try to make him open up, relax and take the initiative. I didn’t know however if she would stay interested long enough to give him the time needed.


The whole scene made me wonder about various things. I know a couple of male friends that I could imagine in a similar situation doubting the signs and not seeing what’s going on. (And I am not excluding myself.) How difficult is it to read them? I think that in most cases, women tend to be more “focused”, knowing what they want and how to get it, when men tend to be more innocent / slow in seeing what’s going on.

It reminds me of an episode of ‘Friends’ where Charlie, a hot paleontologist was making a move on Ross in ‘The one in Barbados’.
Charlie: Hum, so, I started to say you something earlier, hum... (pause) There was another reason I realized it was time to end it with Joey. I kind of realized I... was starting to have feelings... for someone else.
Ross: (apparently unruffled) Oh. Can I... can I ask who?
Charlie: I think you know.
Ross: I think I know too but I've been really wrong about this stuff in the past, so...
She then has to kiss him, stop for a bit before he kisses her back...


I also can’t stop thinking that if the couple flirting was a gay couple, things would have evolved differently. In most cases (unfortunately), “innocent” flirting when it comes to gay flirting is nonexistent. I think that things tend to progress faster and sex becomes a factor faster.

Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars, Gays are from?

I might be talking bullshit (nothing out of the ordinary) and I don't want to offend anyone, but:

As I’ve mentioned recently, we got internet connection at my new place now. So, I spent some time wandering around to various silly websites. One, of the websites I checked is ‘craiglist’. I don’t know why but I don’t use this website often. I’m familiar with ‘gumtree’ but not with ‘craiglist’...

Anyway, in case you haven’t checked, there are personal ads there as well. I don’t want to comment on the fact about the existence of these ads. What I want to comment is the difference of the ads themselves between gay people, straight men and straight women!

First category – straight men:



There are some ads that are slightly naughty and a bit cheeky like ‘Come to my office for interview. :-)’. There are some slightly more romantic declaring they want a relationship / romance like the ‘young professional male seeks women for romance’. Although he does mention ‘women’ instead of ‘woman’…
In general, I think that sex is implied but never mentioned directly. Some men mention that they are looking for relationship. Most pictures attached are very generic of couples holding hands, faces or even landscapes. Some are slightly more naughty with genitalia shown.


Second category - straight women:

Most of the times a relationship is wanted. Sex rarely is implied and never directly. For example even the post about ‘visiting woman in London’ is about advice where to go and what to do, not for sex as my dirty mind thought at first. There are even some ads about the knight in the shining armor. Women as expected are in general more romantic and frank. Women talk about how good they are in housekeeping and how they can be a loyal companion to lonely hearts. Even the ones asking for a one night stand do it in a classy, subtle manner…

Third Category – gay men:



As seen here words like ‘wank’, ‘suck’, ‘horny’, ‘cocksucker’ and ‘arse’ are mentioned. Sex is bluntly offered with no strings attached. Vast majority of the pictures attached are (as expected) of naked people in various forms of ‘entertainment’. Sometimes you have to admire some people’s creativity in taking pictures…
You really have to look for words like ‘relationship’, ‘companionship’ or ‘date’ which are not easily found. This is not something unexpected if you are gay and been around just a while (not a lot). However, I find it a little bit sad. There are gay people out there wanting more than a blowjob in a Eurostar train. How difficult is it for them to find it?
And even if you are one of the adventurous ones needing a shag in the train home, is that bad? Do you lose your dignity by trying to get what you want?
And it’s not like gay men are sexually repressed and can only find sex online… From ‘grindr’ to dark rooms, sex is everywhere… I’m not a sociologist or a psychologist but it troubles me a bit. A gay man’s sexuality, in a way, defines a major part of his life, but to what extend?

I’ve also checked the ‘women seeking women’ link. There are so few ads there. On average, each day of the week has one or two ads tops. Aren’t there enough lesbians to post ads or do they just find other ways to look for what they want?

(I do apologise for the quality of the print previews)

Blinded…

I moved to my new place three days ago and I already love it.
Moving day on Saturday was actually very eventful. We had severe weather conditions. There were very strong winds blowing and pouring rain at the same time. It made our lives more difficult but to be honest it was kind of fun as well (weird kind of fun). Apart from that the rental company gave as a van whose lights were not working, so had to go back and negotiate and argue, 10 minutes before closing time at noon. At some point we were sure that we would have to postpone moving.

Anyway, we managed to get the van, unload my housemate’s stuff, bring my stuff over and spend the rest of my Saturday tidying things up. My room looks nice at the moment, but to be honest I am not sure what I’ve put where. I have so many drawers and no bookshelves (yet). That means that all my books and comics (I have a lot) are in piles over them. My clothes are distributed in different places and I have to spend some minutes to find them… Eventually, I’ll get there…

The bad thing about moving places is setting it all up again. I have to chase and setup all utility bills. That of course includes the landline and internet connection. I’ve been living now for three days in a house without internet and TV and to be honest I feel isolated from the outside world, blinded. I really don’t know how we managed to cope before.


I remember the first time someone brought and connected to our family PC a dial-up modem (back then we only had one PC – now there’s more than one in each room). I think I was in high school. We didn’t know what to do with it (honestly). It was extremely slow, not many interesting websites existed and it felt like a waste of time not playing a game. Now, turning my laptop on is the first and last thing I do every day. I can’t not check the news, weather forecast and listen to the online radio before going to work.


It’s also sad but my personal life is affected by it as well. I can’t access my emails and my online dating sites! I can’t use IM or connect to my friends on facebook! I think I’m even missing people’s birthdays because of that.

I’ll have a landline on Friday. It takes them four working days! Four! I don’t even need a visit from an engineer. The previous tenant had the same company, so they just need to activate it again! Four days? That’s ridiculous!
After that, I have to go to apply for my broadband. I can’t do that without a landline. So, I’ll apply on Friday. I was told that will take up to eight days to be activated! Eight? What will I do until then? Should I learn smoke signals?

Speaking of signals, ‘Essex boy’ has kind of disappeared. Ok, not ‘kind of’, he disappeared. When we parted the Sunday before this, he said that he had a really nice time with me and he suggested meeting during the week and I agreed. I was the one texting him during the week every two or three days (not to be too overwhelming). He was replying to my messages but to be honest I wanted him to look for me too.

I invited him over on Saturday for dinner to my new place and he said he can’t and also added (in the same text) and he would be busy all day Sunday as well. The way he mentioned it in advance, before even me mentioning it, I didn’t like. Probably he will resurface and look for me, but I’m not going to try to contact him. The last time I contacted him was on Saturday and today it’s Tuesday. Maybe I’m overreacting (again) but I think that a text message every two days is not too much to ask for.

That sounds kind of desperate. I’m not heartbroken of course or anything, but without internet or ‘Essex Boy’ to play around, I feel a little bit bored. My leg hurts and I can’t even go running…

OK, that was really good.

I went on a date yesterday with the ‘Essex Boy’ (he’s new). OK, I know what you’re going to think because he’s from Essex, but I would like to defend him and say that he’s not like that (totally). OK, one of his favorite pastimes, which he also described as a hobby, is drinking (expected). He doesn’t wear golden jewelry though (he doesn’t even have a golden tooth – and they ARE so sexy) (I’m kidding)…

Anyway, it all started a couple of weeks ago. He left me a message on my online profile and I got back to him after that, so we started talking for a couple of days. When I suggested meeting for a pint he said that he would rather chat a little bit more before that. I found that VERY weird because it was the first time being rejected to meet but agreed to keep on exchanging messages. I never thought we would actually meet but kept on replying to his messages as normal.

I think two more weeks went by and at some point he suggested meeting. I asked him why he changed his mind and he said that he is doing a strict selection with whom he’s going out with and I seemed like a nice guy (nice to hear – don’t know if it’s true). We exchanged mobile phone numbers and started talking through text messages and on the phone. I was still unsure about whether we would actually meet and I was being very casual and teasing when talking to him.

Example of our txt messages conversation:
He: What is your profile name? I can’t seem to find it. Is it hidden?
Me: It’s ***. No, don’t think it’s hidden. I updated it recently though and it might be invisible. Why? Are you showing me around?
He: Oh, yeah. Found it. No, I just wanted something to laugh at
Me: Glad to be of help
He: I was only teasing. :-)
Me: Is that guilt I hear? I didn’t know you had this emotion. I know you were teasing
…

This in general is not the typical kind of conversation I’d have with someone I haven’t even met. I liked though the fact that he was being a smartass (in a good way) and witty so I decided to go out with him and to be honest I haven’t regretted it.


We met in a pub and we had a couple of pints. Because I was getting tipsy (and I was trying to be clever with rule number 8 of dating) we went for me to grab a bite (he already had dinner) and headed off to another pub where I had some vodka drinks (VERY clever, I know).

In a nutshell I found him a very interesting but a bit weird person (in a slightly good way). He listens to indie / rock music and pop from the 80’s (good). When he was a child he wanted to be a Vampire (??) and of course likes watching horror movies. He likes opera and ballet but doesn’t like theatre and musicals. He likes the image of Jesus for decorative reasons (without being religious). Works in sales and marketing department of a company he hates, but would like to get involved into counseling. And don’t get me started on the decoration of his house. In general the conversation was running smoothly with only very few moments of silence.

Speaking of decoration, yes he invited me over to spend the night and I agreed. By that time, after the vodka I had, I was making fun of him about how I might wake up in a bathtub filled with ice and missing a kidney. The alcohol I consumed however helped me agreed on going along (don’t call me a slut) but to be honest it was totally a conscious choice.

We ended up at his place around midnight and we had our share of fun. He is quite passionate and tender and we clicked very well (at least that is what I think). The only problem I have (as usual) is the sleeping part. As I think I’ve mentioned in the past I cannot be touched / cuddled, relax and fall asleep. I need my space and be left alone. I generally get very warm and if someone holds me as well I feel trapped (not pleasant), worried that I shouldn’t move not to disturb them. However, I do find it very impolite to simply turn my back, ignore the other person and try to fall asleep, so I try to play along at least for a while. Added to that the foreign environment (not to mention the foreign snoring person) I didn’t sleep much last night…


Anyway, I am not complaining though… I had fun and I do hope to meet the ‘Essex Boy’ again. I’ll just try now not to think about it much (yeah right)…

Pocket guide to dating

These are just a few things I’ve learnt during my dating experiences.

• Most important of all: Be yourself. Don’t try to impress with stories that are untrue or exaggerated. It will not work
• If you can select the place to meet, pick a place that is rather quiet and comfy, so you can talk without being disturbed by loud noises or crowds.
• Wear something that will make you look good but also comfortable. Too tight clothes might make you look slimmer / better looking but might make you feel too self-conscious.
• Try to have a snack before a date so that you’re not starving and be prone to getting tipsy too quickly if alcohol is included. If you eat too much you will feel bloated and unsexy.
• If you don’t know where you will be going try to wear something casual that can be acceptable in most places. If you do know, where something appropriate.
  
• Try to look as confident as possible and most of the times smiling. Also try looking your date in the eyes (not staring for too long – that’s just creepy).
• Don’t ever talk about former relationships and how or if you’ve been hurt in the past. Ever… In the extreme case of being asked, try not to look too distressed and change the conversation topic politely by giving some but not too much information.
• Don’t get drunk (unless your date is getting drunk as well)… I will not even mention drugs.
• If possible touching your date (not inappropriately - at least at the beginning of the evening / night) is always good. For example if your date says something funny while laughing or when you let him / her first through a door.
• Finally try to enjoy and relax the whole procedure. Even if you do feel a bit nervous, you are not (in most cases) the only one feeling like that. You are doing this to have a good time. Most likely you’ll feel at ease after a brief period of time.

These guidelines are of course too generic and do not apply in all cases. Also, some rules are meant to be broken. Some dates seem doomed from the beginning and there is no need trying to save them. Everybody has some awful / funny stories to say when it comes to dating. I have a few to say as well.

I just hope my today’s date will not go as bad…

Dating… (I wonder why?)

When you go on a date there are some things that you look for. I have a friend that will only go out with someone that has facial hair. He is into big hairy guys. I have another friend that like men that have that young, baby-face, kind of look. He is instantly put off if he sees some hair popping out of someone’s v-neck. Apart from that, there is the option of the blondes, the dark haired, the Asian, the Latinos, etc… It’s all about someone’s taste.

Luckily enough in a place like London, there are all sorts of people and ways to find them. There are the bars that the trendy young people go, bars that the ‘bears’ go, bars for the ‘musclebears’ etc… However, apart from the looks, very important is the character (unless you’re looking for casual sex and not a boyfriend). I was thinking about the laws of attractions after I went on a date yesterday.

When I go on dates, I try to find people, not exclusively extremely good looking, but who have something promising regarding their personality. Do not get me wrong. Of course I go out with people that I find attractive, but I try at least to talk to them before going out to see what they are like. I generally enjoy these people with whom you can have an easy, floating conversation. I also like people that put some effort and while exchanging messages online they reply with more than a single sentence, a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’. That is why I sometimes love having an argument (always civilized) with someone, just for the sake of it in a fun, kidding way. That is also why I often play the devil’s advocate, even if I don’t agree with it. I just love being mentally challenged.

That is exactly what did not happen on my date. He was in his mid thirties, sweet and educated. However, I found him to be extremely boring. I had to struggle to get a conversation going. OK, I admit I am not the most exciting or interesting person alive. I haven’t climbed Mount Everest, did sky diving (yet), went backpacking across Latin America or visited the North Pole (you know what I mean). However, I do have an opinion (good or bad) on some matters. I have some interests (like comic books, maps, books, theatre, travelling) that I can get passionate and discuss about. After spending an hour and half with him, I didn’t have a clue about his.

The only thing I totally understood was that he was so anxious to get into a relationship and find his one true love! He told me how he broke up with his ex of 7 years (not a very hot topic on a first date) some years ago. How they weren’t in love (ever) but he was his first lover and was used to living with him (they came together to live in London).

He also advised me against some men that you chat online because they might be telling you lies (I pretended to be very shocked when I heard that) and pretend they are in love with you! From what I understood, my date started chatting online with a guy, let’s call him the ‘liar’, first through messages and then on the phone. The ‘liar’ pretended to be in love with my date and they ended up talking for hours. The ‘liar’ at some point admitted that he doesn’t live in London but in Nigeria.

He said that he left UK to work for a while in Nigeria, but got fired and needed money to get back to London, to see his true love (my date). So, he asked money from him (at this point I was truly shocked because I feared for the rest of the story) and my date obliged! I was not told the details, but apparently my date gave him a couple of times, a reasonable amount of money, each time!!!! It was after some time that my date (FINALLY!!!) understood that he was played for a sucker, would never see his love and that he was probably one of many getting ripped like that (and it’s not like he comes from a wealthy family to support him)!

So, as you can see why, that date did not go that well! I do not know what saddens me most. In general, he is a good guy (definitely not for me) but I really fear for him. I don’t know how he’ll manage to survive. Maybe I am being very cynical and he is one of the few remaining romantics. However, I think that after a while, you develop some life experience that makes your skin a bit thicker! I also wonder about my date’s friends. I am pretty sure that even if in the extreme case I fell for something like that, my friends would have been there to stop or control me… No?

What personal life?

I haven’t posted anything about my personal life recently. The reason is that not much is happening. I really had this feeling during the middle of the month about a wind of change blowing and how much I wanted something to change. Probably that meant to stop being single or at least meet someone new (and promising).

The thing with ‘Mr T.’ didn’t work out as I’ve said before. We are still in speaking terms though (although I’ve been advised by friends not to). He explained to me that the thing that bothered him the most was the fact that I was logged in Gaydar after we’ve met (even if we met once). He said that it made him feel like I was looking for his replacement and I was just passing my time until I found what I was truly looking for! He said that he didn’t log in to any of those sites (obviously apart from to check on me) and commented on how important it is to give full attention when meeting someone new (I couldn’t much argue there)… The thing is that I already told him that I was chatting to other guys apart from him even before I met him (he asked, I replied truthfully). I also explained that Gaydar is a means to pass time(like facebook), that sometimes I log in and leave it open without checking and that I even have a couple of friends from there (we talk about running, gym stuff, etc.). In the long term, I didn’t really have to explain myself to him but anyway. He came to the conclusion that fear and insecurity got the better (or worse) of him. He thinks very highly of me and has a very soft spot in his heart for me. He hopes that I find someone nice to settle with (that’s not him obviously) but he wants us to keep a line of communication.

‘Mr T.’ had a very serious injury recently and he gained a lot of weight because of that that made him feel very insecure and unattractive. He’s a very active person and all this left him feeling quite bad with himself. I wanted to reassure him that he being a bit overweight is not an issue and that he doesn’t have to worry about it. He’s been going to the gym 6 times per week now to get his 6 pack back. I believe that he now wants to truly focus on his workout and a line of communication open, so that he’ll try to make a move again when he’ll be feeling more secure and attractive. However, I believe that insecurities like that do not just disappear and that a relationship with ‘Mr T.’ might be a constant struggle. I can see myself feeling trapped with him as a boyfriend. Anyway, if that does truly happen in the future and he does make a pass at me, I’ll see what I’ll do…

Other than that, I’ve spoken to the GingerMan as well. He’s a nice guy and I wouldn’t mind going to his place to spend the night. I don’t feel sorry for that. I was just looking for some casual, meaningless sex. I wanted to skip all the drama and anxiety of trying to find something new. He’s definitely passed the test. We chatted a bit. He’s going to give it a try with his ex (good for him) and they’re in the process of working things out. He gave me very good feedback for our only night together (always a nice thing to hear).

Fortunately, I’ve recently started speaking to a guy from my past. We met 10 days ago when we went together to XXL after having not spoken to each other for approximately 9 months. We’re meeting again this Friday and we’re going to a birthday party / gathering. It’s familiar territory and I feel very comfortable around him. Also the birthday party would be a great opportunity to meet new people and broaden my circle of friends.

Now, it occurs to me that everything that kept me occupied recently is from the past (again). Could it be that I’m too attached to it and cannot easily let go? Maybe, I’m not learning from my past mistakes.
Hm, I’ll think about it when I’ll contact another ex-boyfriend of mine to go out…

Temptation

I believe that in a major city like London (and not only there) temptation is everywhere. You have good looking guys running in the parks, enjoying coffee in nice cafes, having a pint in a pub, having dinner in posh restaurants, exercising in gyms and not to mention the internet. Sex can be found everywhere and apparently for some it’s so easy! There are so many cruising grounds that it gets ridiculous! Apparently, there must be more than one in every borough…

I was recently told that there is even an application in iphone that you can check people online in your surrounding area. It also displays your current distance (in miles, even yards) so that you do not have to commute much (and lose precious time from your next date). You only need a picture (preferable naked / half naked) and you start talking about where to meet, just for sex.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not being judgmental. Every person is free to do whatever he wants with his life. I’m not putting myself above that. It’s all about choices that one must make (and suffer the consequences, if there are any).

The point I want to make is about the difficulty of starting a new relationship in all that.
How easy is it to meet someone you might care about and actually make an effort to get to know him more?

Based on a recent discussion I had with friends, when you meet someone new, you have to put a little bit of an effort. You have to rearrange your schedule according to his, put up with commuting (most likely), sleeping in an unfamiliar bed and surroundings, getting accustomed to his habits, meeting his friends (trying to look extra nice besides the fact that you feel like being interrogated), taking notes about what he likes and what he doesn’t like etc.

However, what makes you sure he’s worth all that? How can you maintain your focus on that person? How can you not go back to the quick solution of meeting someone new (it’s easy, fast and hassle free)? Maybe that new person who’s behind the corner is better. How can you stop old ‘special friends’ from calling? Should you take yourself out of the ‘market’?

Probably, there is no answer to these questions. You just have to take your chances and hope for the best. It all comes down to what you feel in your guts when you kiss him for the very first time, doesn’t it?

My last night with 'D'

I’m going away tomorrow…
Tonight it’s going to be my last night with my lovely ‘D’. He’s been my summer fling. I think I have mentioned him in the past.

I met him over a month ago online. He’s still studying, waiting to finish his final project to get his degree. Unfortunately, he’s studying at the university in his country so he has to go back. He’s been temporarily living in London doing an internship for these summer months to improve his CV. I knew from the start that there is an expiry date to our ‘acquaintance’ but I can’t stop having some feelings for him. He’s amazingly sweet and kind. Also, he has the most beautiful green eyes I’ve seen. Funnily enough he likes me too.

If I didn’t know that he was going away, I would have given it more effort and I would have tried to make it work. I would have stopped talking to people online or met the GingerMan. I know that I like ‘D’ but I do not think that is enough to make us try for a serious long distance relationship in case he’s back in 12 months. He desperately wants to come back to London after getting his degree so that he can start a career here.

However, this is just some thoughts since the job market now is very unreliable and without having a degree from a UK university it’s even harder to get a proper job here. Of course I haven’t told him that I worry that maybe his dreams will not easily come true. I’ve tried to advice him as best as I can and direct him on how to find online agencies or even career exhibitions. I hope for the best, but on the back of my mind I know the possibilities. It could be much easier for him to get a job in his hometown where his parents might know some people. London’s not that cheap and it’s not easy temporarily living here while you are searching for a job that will support you.

However, I don’t know him that well and we simply do not have the proper ‘foundations’ for a long distance relationship. I believe that we’ll stay in touch. I’m also seriously thinking of going to visit him in spring, but there is no way I can promise to him I’ll stay ‘loyal’ for that year. I believe that if you say you want to commit to a serious relationship you have to try and take that responsibility seriously. Otherwise, there is no point. I’ve already discussed it with ‘D’ about where we’re standing and he’s ok-ish with it, meaning that he doesn’t really want to leave. He knew I was still going online and chatting / flirting with people. He knew that I didn’t consider myself his boyfriend this past month. He doesn’t know about the GingerMan though.

Maybe, it’s me being selfish. Maybe I want it all and I don’t want to really make an effort. It’s easier and more fun meeting someone new than trying to maintain a long distance relationship. I simply don’t know. I just feel sad…

For the time being though, I want to take him for a nice dinner tonight and spend our last night together. I’m flying late in the afternoon tomorrow and we’ll also enjoy waking up together without having to rush for something. I will try to make the best of the night and try not to worry about the rest. (At least I’ll try and enjoy it)….

Ginger Man, Part 2

GingerMan was waiting for me. He was wearing a loose shirt, a dark blue pair of jeans, sport shoes and a light jacket. He had a big smile on his face and greeted me accordingly. We started walking from the station to his place. He was very pleasant and the conversation was flowing easily. I remember we were laughing about the misunderstanding over the text messages (Ginger Man, Part 1), about who’s idea was it to meet at the middle of the night, when we arrived at his place.

His place is a very nice one bedroom flat in a newly built block of flats. Everything looks quite new and they even have their own gym, garden and patios. That’s probably the only advantage living in the middle of nowhere. You can buy a new flat, in a rather reasonable price, but you have to live in a rather isolated place. I wouldn’t do that to myself yet (although I can see some advantages).

He opened a bottle of white wine and we started a nice relaxing conversation. I was beginning to feel at ease and enjoying myself (yes, the wine does help on that). At some point we kissed and I started feeling even happier having making the choice to actually go there. We must have spent approximately 2 hours discussing about TOTALLY unimportant stuff like food we like, favourite vacation spots and theatre plays we’ve enjoyed when we decided it was time to move on.

I started feeling a bit awkward and self-conscious but I had to take a shower. I had already asked for one, but still I couldn’t decide exactly on how to behave. I mean, he obviously wanted to see me naked (fortunately) and I couldn’t pretend I was that shy or prudent that I had to hide myself. Also, I didn’t want to cause too much hassle. It was his place after all. It’s like when you are in the cinema and you want to pass over some people to reach the corridor and you’re thinking whether they should see your crotch or bum. Anyway, I pulled myself together and I stripped while he was bringing me a fresh clean towel. He stood there for a couple of seconds watching me shower which I found quite exciting. He even lit two candles in the bathroom even if I was alone.

After I finished at the shower he was waiting for me in the bedroom when the really fun began! I have to say that I really enjoyed that. It can be a bit weird having sex with someone for the very first time. Maybe weird is not the correct word, let’s say different. You are still not used to that person tastes and dislikes. However, I have to say that GingerMan and I, we seemed to be quite compatible and had a good time.

I can’t say that I slept very well that night but who cares? I woke up really early because the room was way too bright for my taste and I couldn’t fall back asleep. I spent a couple, a bit frustrating, hours twisting and turning but I didn’t want to wake him up (although I think I was waking him up every time I moved). Thankfully, at some point he woke up and we had a little bit more fun. At some point, we shared a cup of coffee and he also offered me pain au chocolat for breakfast. I didn’t stay long because his mates were coming to watch that day’s football matches.

Overall I had a really nice time and I would like to see him again. I hope he does feel the same way. It’s just bad luck that his favourite team lost that day and he was feeling a bit sad about it. However, I did enjoy the fact that we talked about it the very same day (always a good sign) and agreed on different ways I could have made him forget about it if I was there…

Ginger Man, Part 1

It’s been over two weeks since I’ve been chatting online on gaydar (http://www.gaydar.co.uk/) with a guy we’ll call GingerMan for obvious reasons. It’s started quite funny. We were chatting on a Thursday. He was quite cheeky and he started sending me a bit too naughty pictures and videos. He didn’t look extremely handsome but I was intrigued of the things he said. His answers were quite sharp and he seemed quite confident as a person which is always a plus. Also, he had ginger hair which I find quite sexy (he doesn't look like the guy on the picture, but...). I didn’t really pay too much attention to the whole conversation and I thought that that would be the end of it, when I ran into the guy in the tube two days later!

It was so random! I always thought that London is a big city but it is a very small world after all! I was listening to my music and also reading a book (I get bored quickly on the tube – it’s the same journey almost every single day) when I thought of checking out the people in the carriage. I know it’s a bit sleazy but from time to time, I like to take a look at what’s out there. Don’t judge me, everybody does it! So, I see three guys, chatting and laughing. One of them looked a bit camp so I paid a little bit more attention and the second guy looked a lot like GingerMan! I wasn’t 100% sure and I couldn’t just go to them and say: ‘hey, remember me? I’m the guy you’ve been sending naked pictures to the other day’. So, I just left it like that and decided that a message on gaydar would be much better.

Seeing GingerMan made me reconsider actually meeting him. He has an amazing deep, masculine, voice (with a weird accent that I couldn’t pinpoint) that I found very sexy. So, the next day I messaged him about it. It was him and we laughed about it a lot. He kept saying that I shouldn’t stalk people like that and I kept commenting that it’s above my powers and I can’t stop. We agreed on meeting in two weekends since he would be away on business (he travels a lot).

That weekend arrived and we agreed on meeting on Sunday evening. We were exchanging messages for that whole time. We got to the point of talking about VERY private stuff (fantasies, positions – you know… things that some people talk about after having met on gaydar) and I was very keen on meeting him. I would take the train and meet him around 7. He is a football fun and wanted to watch that day’s games. However, it wasn’t meant to be like that…

The day before, we were chatting through messages when I told him something like that: ‘I finished watching a movie with some friends, and I am on my way home. I couldn’t spend the night there, so…’. That was the misunderstanding. I used the word ‘so’ implying that since I couldn’t spend the night at my friends’, I was on my way. He understood that I was implying meeting then and that I was inviting myself to his place and he texted me about which train to get from which station!

I got all nervous again and a million things passed through my head. It was 11:00 at night. It would get me an hour to get to his place. Getting there was doable but that meant that I would have to spend the night since I didn’t know how to leave the area. However, if it came to that, I would find a night bus (or two or three) or something. Then the ‘gay’ worries hit me. Which underwear was I wearing, which underwear, did I look OK, did I smell OK (I know these are shallow worries but I couldn’t help myself, I spent the whole outdoors, in a summer warm day).

Completely by chance, I was a tube stop away from the needed train station. Maybe it was fate trying to tell me something. I also thought that it would be better taking the chance and regretting going than non going, even if it meant spending 3 hours on night busses getting home. In addition, it would be much better meeting him on a Saturday night, than on Sunday, a school night. So, I got off the tube…

We exchanged some text messages about how to get there (zone 6 of London to me is English country side) and I was on my way. I suggested taking a shower when I would get there and he was more than happy to say yes. From what we’ve been saying the previous days, sex of course was on the table. I wasn’t going there just for the fun to see the ‘suburbs’ of London.

So, after spending half an hour in a very busy train, I was getting very nervous when I finally arrived. GingerMan was waiting for me on the platform. He looked a bit stressed as well, which made me feel calmer. That was the begging of quite an interesting night…

My ex's birthday

Yesterday it was my ex boyfriend’s birthday, ('L').
We had met through gaydar (www.gaydar.co.uk). It was quite random because we talked on a Saturday and we met the next day. I don’t usually do that. Normally, unless it’s for a sex date, I talk with people for a couple of days before actually meeting. It saves so much time since some people do look weird from the beginning…

It’s a very big and complicated story that I cannot really describe now. We had high points and many low points. I know that I tried a lot to make this work and to be honest, now, I do not see why I tried THAT hard. Our sex life was always not that good which by itself could be a reason to break up with someone. Also, I had received some slaps on my face in the process, like seeing him leaving with another guy we randomly met in a gay bar. However, he was kind and polite. He took care of me and I knew that I could rely on him if needed. He also offered me one birthday party that I’ll always remember.

All these came to an end in mid May when we had a terrible fight. All started when I left him to see that a drunken friend of mine was OK. We were getting more serious by then and started having a good connection leaving some problems in the past. I know that I shouldn’t have left him like that in a bus that was heading to his place but I couldn’t help it. If only I had asked of him to follow me there so many things would end up differently.

What I did that night made him extremely furious at me. That same night he texted me not to call him ever again. I tried to go to his place to talk about it, but he had his mobile turned off and later said that he didn’t know I was there. He spent the next day drinking, calling me at my mobile and swearing. One of the text messages that stayed with me was: “Fuck you, I’m drinking whisky”. “Fuck you, you and your friends”. In his drunken state he told me that the major issue is that I always put my friends before him and that he was not my priority. However, instead of trying to discuss it, we spent two days with him calling me, swearing at me and yelling. There was absolutely no form of communication whatsoever. I tried suggesting meeting but he didn’t want to.

I don’t want to go too much into detail. It still does hurt a bit. In a nutshell, after two days of spending hours and hours in the phone yelling and crying he agreed on meeting and talking about it. I was so emotionally drained though, that I didn’t want to do that anymore. Yes, it was me who ended it and rejected his later offers of reconsolidation. I know I probably did some mistakes that brought that fight but I am absolutely sure that I didn’t deserve to be called all these names and I saw a face of my ex that I never want to see again. I am not a saint but his immaturity with dealing with a simple fight (there will always be fights in any relationship) is what ended it.

After not having spoken in almost 4 months, he sent to me an infuriating text on 4:15 in Saturday morning, accusing me of everything (again) and about not wanting him in my life. He was drunk again and I had to read his text message 2 or 3 times to understand what he wanted to say. I didn’t reply to that.
I sent to him a typical happy birthday text message yesterday wishing him all the best and encouraging him to take care of himself. He replied with: ‘Thank you Nick’.
It’s a bit funny, but he never used my name when he was addressing to me. He always used nicknames. It’s like when a mother scolds her child by using both first name and surname to call him… He just used my name to show what he was feeling…

My first crush (+ crash) Part 2

So, I arranged to meet ‘A’ early evening close to the university campus. We’ve been chatting endless hours during the past week and I knew most things about him. However, that didn’t stop me from feeling so stressed about it. I was a bit scared because that was the first guy I was going to meet from the internet (little did I know that I would get so used to it later). Also, we hadn’t exchanged any pictures, so I didn’t know what to expect. Back then, mobile phones were some big black and white only machines that had up to 3 lines that you could write something. Of course no camera attached and no mms. Digital cameras had appeared, but most were ridiculously expensive and we were just students.

After spending hours deciding what to wear (I am gay after all) I went to the prearranged place. I arrived first but he wasn’t late. I was expecting the worse and was pleasantly surprised. He was wearing his hair very short and had a t-shirt and jeans. He was spending hours in the swimming pool back then and he had an amazing body.

After exchanging our pleasantries he said: ‘You look just like I thought you would be’! We started walking towards a nice small coffee place that was close by and I tried to understand exactly what he meant. Apparently, he understood that I was totally inexperienced, with low self confidence, shy person. According to his way of thinking, that meant that I would be what you call the ‘nice’ guy who’s not handsome, that you wouldn’t look twice in a party if you were trying to find someone to snog. He wasn’t far from the truth.

We sat for coffee and he started boasting about his sex life and everything he had accomplished in that area. I couldn’t see right through him, not knowing about this type of guys, and I fell for it. Had it been now, I wouldn’t have looked twice. Back then, ‘A’ meant the world to me. He was the first one to understand what I was going through. He was gay in Greece where gays appear like non existent, at least at the place I was coming from (Mykonos and gay freedom seemed to only exist in a galaxy far far away).

I don’t exactly remember how it started, but I met ‘A’ many times after that. We were going drinking, for dinner or for coffees. He had said that he wasn’t into relationships, he just wanted fuck buddies. According to him he had already met most of the people from the Greek gay channel in mirc from the area(My first crush). However, he didn’t like going to gay bars (there were a few) because he knew many people, which meant that my circle of gay friends did not grow at all while I was seeing ‘A’.

Our chemistry was good and we could talk for hours without being bored. I was beginning to fall in love with him which he understood but didn’t want to do anything about it. He was flattered and I was boosting his ego and confidence. Of course, he was calling the shots and I didn’t do anything to stop it. I could see that he was calling me when all his ‘mates’ were unavailable and wanted someone to keep him company. He loved asking me if I met anyone new, after he had enriched his sexual experiences since the last time we met (which he already described), to get a negative answer.

However, at some point I couldn’t take it any more and when my housemate was gone for the week I invited ‘A’ to my place for drinks. It had already been a few months since we’ve met. I don’t know how I gathered the strength to do it, but I knew that would be the night. We started having some wine and normally chatting. At some point he took his shoes off and got more comfortable sitting at the big sofa. I then got up, went to lock the outside door and I told him that since he took his shoes off he had to stay over (it’s an amazing opening line, I know. Don’t judge me though. It was my first time ever being with a guy and I was quite nervous. Give me some credit for actually starting this whole thing). I sat on the sofa next to him and we started snogging. I was in heaven.

It is actually very weird, maybe it was the wine, but after we started taking clothes off I was so calm, relaxed and enjoying myself. I remember most of the staff that happened that night (like moving to the bedroom at some point). I also remember laughing a lot, making fun of minor accidents (like kicking him slightly in the head – don’t ask). We didn’t sleep much that night (obviously) and we had a very early wake up call from my housemate. I knew he was coming back that day but I didn’t expect him to arrive before 9 in the morning! It was slightly embarrassing and awkward (to us at least) since my housemate came into the house to find clothes tossed all around the living room. It was only fair that I came out to him the following days…

That was the beginning of a weird relationship with ‘A’ that lasted for quite a while. I remember feeling ridiculously happy the next day and going to my lectures without paying any attention. I also remember thinking ‘I had sex yesterday’ and feeling proud of that, like I was the only one who invented it and found it’s magic. I was like Chandler in the first seasons of ‘Friends’ after being lucky and getting some…

My first crush (+ crash)

Then you’re gay, he told me and I started crying. Everything had changed. That moment I knew that I could never go back. I had to find a new path, change direction in life and start fresh. I could no longer lie to myself and others, I could no longer pretend to have girlfriends.

I am probably running ahead of myself a bit.

That was the first gay I’ve ever met, that I’ll call A. I was already on my third year in the university (yes, I know, I am a bit slow). It was early September and I was trying to study for my exams. These years, before facebook was even invented and msn widely used, mIRC (www.mirc.com) was very popular. It was a way to find people online to chat, on different channels. There was the channel called ‘#gayhellas’. I had the suspicion that I was gay until then (I am not that delusional), but I was still in denial and I had my doubts, so I was online, checking the gay Greek channel without speaking to anyone. Then a guy with the nickname ‘x1x1x1x’ talked to me. That was A. It’s funny how I still remember that username…

We started chatting. He told me that he is studying piano in the same city as I am, but without having to take any exams he was still away for summer holidays. It was some weeks since the beginning of the new semester and he would come back in a week or so. I told him that I didn’t know if I was gay or not and that I was just curious about the whole thing.

He asked me about my sexual fantasies and dreams. I replied honestly that ultimately, in a perfect world, if I could decide, I would select a guy for my partner and not a girl. That is when he told me ‘you’re gay. It’s nothing to worry about. Just deal with it.’

I don’t know exactly why I started crying. It was so weird hearing (reading) someone else say it to me. It was like a huge burden I was carrying until then, simple disappeared. I felt free and relieved. It’s silly, but that moment so many things in my life changed. I finally accepted myself for who I was.

I kept on talking with A for the whole following week. We spent so many hours each night, until early morning chatting. We talked about so many different subjects. He was the first gay guy I met. I could share with him all my fears, thoughts and hopes. I believed that he was the only guy that could understand me.

After all these hours of chatting, he returned to the city and we arranged to meet.

I think that it is without importance to say that I failed that week’s every exam.