Thursday, 13 January 2011

Only on London Underground

I was sent the following and I have to say I loved it. It's a list of announcements that London Tube train drivers are said to have made to passengers.

1. 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

2. 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3. 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news ? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

4. 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria Station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together.

All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'

5. 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

6. 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

7. During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... Unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8. 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

9. 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

10. 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

11. 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

12. 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand ?'

13. 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause)

'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause)

'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your ar.e sideways!'

14. 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'


  1. I would never ever find my next employment in London! ahahhahaah

    cheers darl! happy weekend

  2. Aaah, I miss London.
    (And I still owe you a mug - things have just been too manic, but I didn't forget Nik) x

  3. This post is exactly why I'm passing the Stylish Blogger award on to you. Check out my most recent post:

  4. All I remember from my experience years and years ago riding the subways around London was "Mind the gap!"

  5. I would love to hear some of these things on a train. When I ride the train in Washington, DC, I can never understand a word any of the drivers say.

  6. @wozzel So do I

    @Stephen_Chapman indeed

    @Suf_n_Steve Have a nice weekend too.

  7. @Juz Don't worry about it. I might come at some point to SA to get it myself.

    @behrmark Thanks a lot for that! I'll post about it next. :-)

    @Gauss_Jordan Unfortunately, you must have missed the most interesting train drivers...

    @Cubby Yes, most of the drivers talk in a way not to be understood. I think they teach them that.

  8. We had, on Wed:

    please remember to keep your backpack on your shoulders and bang someone in the face with it.

    Though the most ridiculous is:

    we are being held by a red signal and expect to be moving shortly.

    Shortly. Really.


  9. @MadeInScotland How about the 'ALL other London Underground lines are working fine' and there are only 1 - 2 left?