How can you really judge a character?

I was thinking about the guy I used to date two years ago, ‘L’. I met him through 'gaydar' and on our first date we went for a scroll and small picnic in Regent’s Park. We met in Camden and I was astounded at how good looking he was. He was approximately my height, strong built, two years older than me, black with very short hair, round face, bright dark eyes raised in Scandinavia with a really nice taste in clothes.

On our way to the park, we stopped by a small super market to get some food and coffee. Next to the crisps stand, a small package had fallen on the floor. ‘L’ stopped to pick it up and put it back to its place, tidying the whole stand in the process. It’s so funny, but this minor detail made me like him. His confident, strong personality that he presented made me like him even more.

Unfortunately, the problems appeared quite soon after that first date. I still haven’t managed to figure him out and I will probably never will. ‘L’ tried and appeared as a quite successful, tough, charming person. He was (or maybe still is) a manager of a major retail clothing shop in central London. However, he was amazingly insecure, still having issues with being a homosexual (and with sexual problems on top of that).

What he managed to do is make me very attracted to him by being (very) hard to get. He didn’t want to meet up very often. He only wanted to meet every week or second week for drinks. He loved his ‘manly’ whiskies. He didn’t want me to meet his circle of friends or him to meet mine. Time was passing and I couldn’t figure out what he wanted from me. He was calling the shots and saying when and where we’d meet. I was just following his lead. I don’t believe that would have happened that easily now. I was quite inexperienced then.


Anyway, after the second month (I believe) our ‘relationship’ evolved from being drinking buddies to having sex / sleeping together after drinks as well. The first time he invited me over, I was so ecstatic about it. However, I then realised that ‘L’ had some erectile problems and the things he was promising to do in bed beforehand were just promises for him to hear. I didn’t need nor wanted any promises of having great sex. I didn’t need a porn star in my bed. I have quite normal expectations. ‘L’ however, had the need to prove to me (and him) that he’s quite the macho fucker (rubbish). Having all these high unmet expectations made him frustrated, grumpy and a pain to be around. It was even having an affect on me doubting myself and feeling undesirable.


Anyway, to cut a story short, ‘L’ was very protective and caring. I had a really nice time when I was out with him. Our problems in bed were still there, but I thought to give him some time and support and that maybe it will go away. We didn’t have a normal relationship and we only met sporadically. He even went home with someone else he met in a bar in our night out (my all time low).

The real reason I was thinking about ‘L’ recently, was the fact that at some point I met a colleague of his from work. When I told him that I sporadically was seeing ‘L’ he was surprised but didn’t admit why. I then found out from a common friend (gossiping) that the colleague had the worst impression of ‘L’. He said that no one liked him at work. That he was very obnoxious, hot tempered with occasional drinking issues. ‘L’ apparently had been into fights with most them. I didn’t like it of course, but I thought that ‘L’ being a manager had some responsibilities that made him the ‘bad’ guy always making them do stuff…

Unfortunately, soon after, I got into a very nasty fight with ‘L’. He got extremely jealous of my friend ‘gb’ because we were very close. I have to admit that I didn’t handle the situation on the beginning very well but it sure wasn’t that bad. I thought that we could talk about it like normal people, but ‘L’ was drinking, screaming and verbally abusing me for the next two days. It was really bad. That fight started on Friday night to end in Wednesday with me not picking up the phone any more when he was calling me.

I was thinking about the whole situation recently because a friend was complaining to me about her friend who was about to marry a real jackass. Why can’t she see for herself what an asshole her future husband is?
With ‘L’ I knew that there were problems. I just foolishly thought that with time they might be solved. I was thinking that he was treating me well. I didn’t believe what his colleague told me. I didn’t see the lack of real friends from his part (always important).
Thankfully, I managed to slam the door (hard) at his face. It wasn’t that easy though. Of course I was the ‘bad’ guy at the end with ‘L’ texting me that I am not giving him another chance that he deserved and that I was being awfully harsh at him (among many other things).

My question is this: How can you really see the signs? How can you distinguish the prince on the shinning armour from the prince with the fake teeth and bad breath? How easily is it to accept your friends’ opinion to stay away?

Something new…

I haven’t mentioned something but I’ve recently allowed someone new to enter my life (‘JJ’) and for the time being he’s turning it upside down in a very good way. OK, maybe the term ‘allowed’ is not correct or polite. But according to my standards, I’m devoting lots of time, energy and thoughts to him, in way I haven’t done before (which is a very good thing).

OK, let me make myself clear… My story is that I came to London more than a couple of years ago to make my life. I wanted to be independent, work on a career and a gay life I could never have in my hometown. I had a non existing personal life before coming here and I really wanted to come. The prospect of staying in Greece, at my parents’ place and being eternally single (tempting as it was) wasn’t enough. Fortunately, I’ve come a very long was way since then…

London for me was (especially at the beginning) what a toy store is to a five year old. It’s full of possibilities and experiences. (Most) gay people are in terms with their sexuality, not closeted and living a healthy prospering life. I started going to gay bars / clubs and dating guys after the first year I was here, timidly at the beginning but growing into it afterwards. I’m old enough (I hope) to put some boundaries and not get lost in alcohol and drugs and I always play safe, but I play nevertheless. I’m coming out of my shy shell and trying to see and do new stuff. I enjoy the flirting and dating…

That meant however that I had a very small interest span. I liked some guys I was seeing more than others (‘L’, ‘D’ and ‘Mr.T’ were some of them) but in a way, I wasn’t ready to commit to a serious relationship. I might have let some opportunities pass but I was still flirting and trying to see if there was something better out there. I hope however, that that is changing somehow because I’d like to give it a try and settle down and see what a serious relationship is all about.

So, back to ‘JJ’. I was talking to him online for a long period of time, since I was living at my old place. When, I moved houses, because I didn’t have internet connection, I gave him my mobile phone number and we started chatting and exchanging text messages. Then, I had internet connection, but my folks were here, so I was kind of busy. He was always polite, chatty, understanding and didn’t mind my reasons of not going out with him (“sorry, I can’t, I’m moving houses”, “sorry, I can’t, I have my parents visiting”, “sorry, I can’t, I’m waiting for the guy to fix my boiler” etc).
(I like to play it a bit hard-to-get you see).

Eventually, after all this time we finally went out last week. We had talked so much on the phone (and exchanged pictures) that when I saw him, I felt like I knew him for ages. Fortunately, we clicked really well. Since then, we met two more times and I’m seeing him for lunch as well today. That would be the fourth time I’m seeing him in 6 days and I can’t have enough. It’s funny (for me) but I feel nervous before going to see him.

Anyway, I don’t want to jinx it or anything, but I’m in a happy place at the moment. He seems to like me, I think I like him and I want to get to know him more. I’m trying to keep my enthusiasm restrained (you never know) about the whole thing but at the same time try to enjoy it (even if it doesn’t last long)…

Second chances

I’ve always believed in second chances. I believe that there are occasions where a weakness gets the better of you and you make mistakes. However, there are mistakes and mistakes. Some of them can easily forgiven, some of them still hurt…

When I recall what happened with ‘L,’ even 5 months later, I get a weird feeling in my gut. The words we’ve exchanged and the way things ended were so bad. It wasn’t just a fight that could be forgiven and forgotten. These were probably some of the worse days of my life. I was pushed to my limits and without enough good reason. Now, of course we don’t speak to each other and I don’t think we ever will. That is not particular me, meaning that I don’t fight often with people and keep a grudge. However, this is something that will not probably change.

‘Mr.T’ on the other hand, is different. He let his insecurities and fears get the worse of him and felt threatened of allowing me in his life. He even refused getting to know me more. We had met only once and his spasmodic reaction was a bit bad and also hurtful. I know that and I let him know that as well. When he suggested meeting though and maybe giving it another chance I agreed. I felt that he was going through a tough time at that time and I excused his reaction. I believe that a second chance should be given to us at least to get to know each other…

I know that I might regret it. I fear that he might become insecure again and extremely jealous. I think that I can see small signs of these things already happening (or is it just me?).
Can I truly turn blank page and start fresh without the fear that he might snap again and push me away? Will I see the signs in time and save myself from being suffocated from such a relationship?

Am I simply overreacting? We still don’t even know each other. We’ve met only 2 times (the second time briefly), even if we’ve spent a lot of time talking and exchanging emails. He is kind, caring, and cute and sex is great. Maybe I should concentrate more on these facts. I have a small voice in my head trying to tell me to relax, give it a chance and enjoy it and another telling me to get away as much as I can before it’s too late. Am I losing it?

My ex's birthday

Yesterday it was my ex boyfriend’s birthday, ('L').
We had met through gaydar (www.gaydar.co.uk). It was quite random because we talked on a Saturday and we met the next day. I don’t usually do that. Normally, unless it’s for a sex date, I talk with people for a couple of days before actually meeting. It saves so much time since some people do look weird from the beginning…

It’s a very big and complicated story that I cannot really describe now. We had high points and many low points. I know that I tried a lot to make this work and to be honest, now, I do not see why I tried THAT hard. Our sex life was always not that good which by itself could be a reason to break up with someone. Also, I had received some slaps on my face in the process, like seeing him leaving with another guy we randomly met in a gay bar. However, he was kind and polite. He took care of me and I knew that I could rely on him if needed. He also offered me one birthday party that I’ll always remember.

All these came to an end in mid May when we had a terrible fight. All started when I left him to see that a drunken friend of mine was OK. We were getting more serious by then and started having a good connection leaving some problems in the past. I know that I shouldn’t have left him like that in a bus that was heading to his place but I couldn’t help it. If only I had asked of him to follow me there so many things would end up differently.

What I did that night made him extremely furious at me. That same night he texted me not to call him ever again. I tried to go to his place to talk about it, but he had his mobile turned off and later said that he didn’t know I was there. He spent the next day drinking, calling me at my mobile and swearing. One of the text messages that stayed with me was: “Fuck you, I’m drinking whisky”. “Fuck you, you and your friends”. In his drunken state he told me that the major issue is that I always put my friends before him and that he was not my priority. However, instead of trying to discuss it, we spent two days with him calling me, swearing at me and yelling. There was absolutely no form of communication whatsoever. I tried suggesting meeting but he didn’t want to.

I don’t want to go too much into detail. It still does hurt a bit. In a nutshell, after two days of spending hours and hours in the phone yelling and crying he agreed on meeting and talking about it. I was so emotionally drained though, that I didn’t want to do that anymore. Yes, it was me who ended it and rejected his later offers of reconsolidation. I know I probably did some mistakes that brought that fight but I am absolutely sure that I didn’t deserve to be called all these names and I saw a face of my ex that I never want to see again. I am not a saint but his immaturity with dealing with a simple fight (there will always be fights in any relationship) is what ended it.

After not having spoken in almost 4 months, he sent to me an infuriating text on 4:15 in Saturday morning, accusing me of everything (again) and about not wanting him in my life. He was drunk again and I had to read his text message 2 or 3 times to understand what he wanted to say. I didn’t reply to that.
I sent to him a typical happy birthday text message yesterday wishing him all the best and encouraging him to take care of himself. He replied with: ‘Thank you Nick’.
It’s a bit funny, but he never used my name when he was addressing to me. He always used nicknames. It’s like when a mother scolds her child by using both first name and surname to call him… He just used my name to show what he was feeling…