I blame the iphone…

I knew that there was some talk (behind my back) at my office about me being gay. I never openly discussed about it to anyone (it wasn’t their concern anyway) but I didn’t try to hide it either.

There was a new employee in the company, so me and ‘gb’ (my other gay colleague) took him out to the pub a couple of times to make him feel welcome. Most of these nights ended with us getting drunk, having a very nice time and laughing our hearts out. I can’t remember exactly what was being discussed but I know that at that time I was having problems with ‘L’ so it could be the case that I did mention him.

That new employee at another time in the pub, when I was not there, asked my manager (yes MY manager) if I was gay (very subtle – I know). I know that he avoided to answer the question saying that he doesn’t know / doesn’t care / never tried to find out but was sure that ‘gb’ is gay. So, the can of worms opened and other discussions followed…

A couple of weeks later, ‘gb’ as a trendy gay boy of our time bought a new iphone and immediately fell in love with it. He carried around it everywhere showing it off to everyone. So, the following Friday at the pub, the new iphone was a topic of discussion. One of the junior programmers wanted to play with it, so he started checking its applications, being curious about them and opening a few…

If you cannot see where that is going I will give you a hint: ‘Grindr’!
Of course ‘gb’ had downloaded the application (he is gay after all).
Most of the guys already heard about it since it was mentioned in ‘Top Gear’. The moments that followed were so surreal, I cannot even begin to comprehend them. My manager, the junior programmer and some other male and very straight colleague were trying to check people out on ‘Grindr’ and set ‘gb’ up with them!

It was simply hilarious!!!! The comments that they were making were to die for. They were talking about things like people’s abs or cock sizes… After we stopped pissing ourselves laughing we had the discussion about gay mentality, their (possible) obsession with gym / cosmetics / taking care of themselves / sex cruising and everything was simply in the open…

That’s my coming out story to my company. I don’t believe it’s very conventional (or intentional) but it was very funny. Now, most of the people know that me and ‘gb’ are gay but it was never an issue. The next chapter of that story is how ‘D’ (guy I was dating) came to meet us at the pub and how my manager was buying us drinks…

Something new…

I haven’t mentioned something but I’ve recently allowed someone new to enter my life (‘JJ’) and for the time being he’s turning it upside down in a very good way. OK, maybe the term ‘allowed’ is not correct or polite. But according to my standards, I’m devoting lots of time, energy and thoughts to him, in way I haven’t done before (which is a very good thing).

OK, let me make myself clear… My story is that I came to London more than a couple of years ago to make my life. I wanted to be independent, work on a career and a gay life I could never have in my hometown. I had a non existing personal life before coming here and I really wanted to come. The prospect of staying in Greece, at my parents’ place and being eternally single (tempting as it was) wasn’t enough. Fortunately, I’ve come a very long was way since then…

London for me was (especially at the beginning) what a toy store is to a five year old. It’s full of possibilities and experiences. (Most) gay people are in terms with their sexuality, not closeted and living a healthy prospering life. I started going to gay bars / clubs and dating guys after the first year I was here, timidly at the beginning but growing into it afterwards. I’m old enough (I hope) to put some boundaries and not get lost in alcohol and drugs and I always play safe, but I play nevertheless. I’m coming out of my shy shell and trying to see and do new stuff. I enjoy the flirting and dating…

That meant however that I had a very small interest span. I liked some guys I was seeing more than others (‘L’, ‘D’ and ‘Mr.T’ were some of them) but in a way, I wasn’t ready to commit to a serious relationship. I might have let some opportunities pass but I was still flirting and trying to see if there was something better out there. I hope however, that that is changing somehow because I’d like to give it a try and settle down and see what a serious relationship is all about.

So, back to ‘JJ’. I was talking to him online for a long period of time, since I was living at my old place. When, I moved houses, because I didn’t have internet connection, I gave him my mobile phone number and we started chatting and exchanging text messages. Then, I had internet connection, but my folks were here, so I was kind of busy. He was always polite, chatty, understanding and didn’t mind my reasons of not going out with him (“sorry, I can’t, I’m moving houses”, “sorry, I can’t, I have my parents visiting”, “sorry, I can’t, I’m waiting for the guy to fix my boiler” etc).
(I like to play it a bit hard-to-get you see).

Eventually, after all this time we finally went out last week. We had talked so much on the phone (and exchanged pictures) that when I saw him, I felt like I knew him for ages. Fortunately, we clicked really well. Since then, we met two more times and I’m seeing him for lunch as well today. That would be the fourth time I’m seeing him in 6 days and I can’t have enough. It’s funny (for me) but I feel nervous before going to see him.

Anyway, I don’t want to jinx it or anything, but I’m in a happy place at the moment. He seems to like me, I think I like him and I want to get to know him more. I’m trying to keep my enthusiasm restrained (you never know) about the whole thing but at the same time try to enjoy it (even if it doesn’t last long)…

On a school night…

Yesterday it was pay day for my company. This fact by itself is a reason to celebrate! September’s been quite long to be frank with the aftermath of me coming out to my parents, coming back from summer vacation, ‘D’ leaving London after spending a nice summer together, ‘Mr. T’ entering and exiting my life and the trip to Glasgow…

So, in order to celebrate that fact, yours truly, ‘gb’ and another colleague / drinking buddy, we headed to ‘Be @ 1’, a nice local cocktail bar. It was happy hour, meaning that for each cocktail you ordered, you were offered a second one for free (purely bliss)!

Because we don’t know any better, we decided to go for three rounds of cocktails, since it’s just a school night and we should call it a night early. However, every single round meant two cocktails each and of course based on a different alcoholic beverage. So, we ended up having a round of a rum based cocktail, then vodka based and finally tequila based! All well really, really nice!

I believe that mentioning their effect on us is not considered necessary… We had lots of fun though…


We ended our night in the local pub for dinner (we so needed to eat something after that) and a couple of pints…

I think that I have all this alcohol still running through my veins. On top of that, tonight is gym day with ‘gb’ and our personal trainer! That would be so much fun!!!! I already think that today’s session will not go THAT well…
I wonder why…

New beginnings

I still have a weird feeling of anticipation and that something is on its way…

‘D’ has left. I saw him once more his last night here to say a final goodbye. He wasn’t feeling that great since it wasn’t his decision to go. However, we said our civilized goodbyes and promised to keep in touch. We also had goodbye sex (I like the fact that sex now can be characterized – pity sex, friendly sex, meaningless sex etc).

The ‘GingerMan’ has reappeared. I had the impression that he was gone for good since he said about trying to get back with his ex and not contacting me for more than 2 weeks. He wanted to talk to me about his problems with his ex (?) and particularly about their sex life (????). He then started asking questions about my personal life, if I had sex since meeting him (?) and trying to get tantalizing details about what I did (????).
‘I am sorry but when did we become best friends and I missed the memo?’.
Am I overreacting? OK, we chatted for almost a week through messages about irrelevant stuff (I don’t see describing sexual fantasies as a base to a good friendship), we met once that went well, but since then he made it clear that he wanted to keep his distances.
Now, he’s back probably because he’s horny and his ex is not replying to his attempts of reconciliation. That’s fair enough, but I don’t think that it’s me he should address his issues with his ex. I really don’t want to hear about it, I’m sorry.
Am I wrong here?
OK, maybe I am being a bit harsh, but on my defense I fancied the guy and he turned his back on me after I’ve told him the troubles I’ve been going through while I was coming out. Why should I stand by him with his problems with his ex now? And it’s problems with his ex! If it was something else…

Anyway…I’m in contact with a new guy we’ll call ‘Mr. T’. After all, I am feeling the wind of change as I’ve said. I want to see how that will work out before having a post about him. I think that I am in need of something more stable emotionally at the moment… Let’s hope for the best…

Back to reality….

I’ve landed yesterday to a rainy London. I would expect that I would be sad coming back, but to be honest, I’m not. It’s a relief being again on my own and taking control of my life. While I was in Greece, I was constantly stressed about continuing the same conversation with my parents about me being gay. After we had the first, big discussion, they would ask me weird, personal questions at any given time. For example, while having breakfast a few days later my mother asked me if I had tried having sex with a woman and how that went! That is NOT a conversation you have with your mum, while you are still half asleep and trying to enjoy a cup of coffee!!! (I am not going to write my reply). In general though, things are looking good. They just need some time. They are probably coming to visit me in November as well.

Apart from that, there are some other things that happened while I was away. In the beginning, I was trying to keep in contact with the GingerMan but his responses were not as warm as expected. So, a few days later on, I found him online on msn and confronted him about that (I was in such a state after the whole thing with my parents). He admitted not contacting me much and trying to keep his distances. He said that he thinks that I am boyfriend material and he would like to get to know me more, but his ex contacted him recently and he was kind of confused. He said that his ex can get under his skin and that the timing of us meeting was not the best. I do not know if he was being honest or not but I will not spend much time trying to figure it out (again – I am in such a state). I told him that I will give him the time and space he needs (meaning I will stop contacting him) and in case he wants, he knows where to find me. I added that we never talked about us going steady and that I just wanted to get to know him better (I’ve only seen him once). Anyway, I think that this might be the end of it…

After coming out to my parents, the GingerMan out of the way, ‘D’ unfortunately leaving in two days, I feel like there’s a wind of change blowing my way.

My last night with 'D'

I’m going away tomorrow…
Tonight it’s going to be my last night with my lovely ‘D’. He’s been my summer fling. I think I have mentioned him in the past.

I met him over a month ago online. He’s still studying, waiting to finish his final project to get his degree. Unfortunately, he’s studying at the university in his country so he has to go back. He’s been temporarily living in London doing an internship for these summer months to improve his CV. I knew from the start that there is an expiry date to our ‘acquaintance’ but I can’t stop having some feelings for him. He’s amazingly sweet and kind. Also, he has the most beautiful green eyes I’ve seen. Funnily enough he likes me too.

If I didn’t know that he was going away, I would have given it more effort and I would have tried to make it work. I would have stopped talking to people online or met the GingerMan. I know that I like ‘D’ but I do not think that is enough to make us try for a serious long distance relationship in case he’s back in 12 months. He desperately wants to come back to London after getting his degree so that he can start a career here.

However, this is just some thoughts since the job market now is very unreliable and without having a degree from a UK university it’s even harder to get a proper job here. Of course I haven’t told him that I worry that maybe his dreams will not easily come true. I’ve tried to advice him as best as I can and direct him on how to find online agencies or even career exhibitions. I hope for the best, but on the back of my mind I know the possibilities. It could be much easier for him to get a job in his hometown where his parents might know some people. London’s not that cheap and it’s not easy temporarily living here while you are searching for a job that will support you.

However, I don’t know him that well and we simply do not have the proper ‘foundations’ for a long distance relationship. I believe that we’ll stay in touch. I’m also seriously thinking of going to visit him in spring, but there is no way I can promise to him I’ll stay ‘loyal’ for that year. I believe that if you say you want to commit to a serious relationship you have to try and take that responsibility seriously. Otherwise, there is no point. I’ve already discussed it with ‘D’ about where we’re standing and he’s ok-ish with it, meaning that he doesn’t really want to leave. He knew I was still going online and chatting / flirting with people. He knew that I didn’t consider myself his boyfriend this past month. He doesn’t know about the GingerMan though.

Maybe, it’s me being selfish. Maybe I want it all and I don’t want to really make an effort. It’s easier and more fun meeting someone new than trying to maintain a long distance relationship. I simply don’t know. I just feel sad…

For the time being though, I want to take him for a nice dinner tonight and spend our last night together. I’m flying late in the afternoon tomorrow and we’ll also enjoy waking up together without having to rush for something. I will try to make the best of the night and try not to worry about the rest. (At least I’ll try and enjoy it)….

Insomnia

Yesterday late night was quite weird in a not very good way. I had the really calming heavy breathing of ‘D’ lying next to me naked in bed sleeping, but I could not relax and let Morpheus take me to dreamland.

My mind started wondering around and visited my years in the army. I do not know why. It’s not a period of life that I miss (really, you should believe me when I say that). Serving the army is mandatory in Greece and I had to do it for 12 months. I am proud (not really) to say that I am a Greek Sergeant whose specialty includes being a driver of heavy lorries.

By the way when I talk about the army, I talk about images like these:

and not like these:

If you think about the latter, you’ve seen too many porn movies…

It’s really funny that after some time, all bad experiences seem less frightening. I think back of that year, remembering all the good times and the laughs we had. I was able to remember yesterday the name of the general that was in charge of my group in the first military base I was assigned. He was a really good man. He wasn’t very strict and treated us as human beings. As long as the day’s work was done, he would buy us drinks or let us order take-away food (the base’s food I’ll say politely was not very good and a bit out-of-date). I remember feeling very sad, almost in tears, having to leave him when assigned in another base.

There is no option of admitting being gay in the army. In theory, you are able to say that you’re gay and you’ll be automatically dismissed. However, that means that it will be written in your official governmental documents and you’ll be stigmatized for your lifetime. As I did, the vast majority of gays just stay closeted. No one that I met in the army knows I’m gay. Even after all these years I’m still in contact with some of them and I still haven’t told them. Luckily, I am not camp and I can pass for a straight bloke so I didn’t have any problem. There were some less fortunate and more camp people that had to fight to be respected and treated equally. They weren’t tortured or heavily ill-treated but sometimes they were being called names and were less fortunate when assignments were decided. To my knowledge, extreme cases of homophobia do not occur anymore but of course I cannot be sure. I know that’s very sad but extremely difficult to change…

I spent almost two hours thinking about the army, about the people I met there, the good times and the bad times. However, I concluded that with ‘D’ lying next to me, sleeping like a baby (my baby) I was in a so much happier place now, so I finally managed to relax and get some sleep.

Weekend...

This Saturday has been quite weird and so much fun. I had my ups and downs.

Saturday morning: Up! I went running by the river. I really do love that route, 5.2 miles overall. Running helps me clear my mind so much. I really do enjoy it. I never expected that to happen since I am a slightly geeky person working with computers, reading all the time and never that much into sports. Strange…

Saturday afternoon – early evening: Down! I had hair removed from my back with laser in a private clinic. Removing that part of my body’s hair is something that I always wanted. I have (had) a really hairy back that I felt ashamed off. For those that do not know how that’s done, I went to the clinic on the fixed time and the beautician (?) applied a layer of anaesthetic / antiseptic cream on my back, wrapped me with transparent wrap and covered me with towels. I was supposed to stay like that for an hour and fifteen minutes to absorb the lotion. I tried to argue that I should be able to walk around but she didn’t let me. I just sat there and read my book. I was reading ‘Engulfed in Flames’ because I thought that’s appropriate. After I finished reading the book, the time passed and I had the ‘procedure’. Yes, it is painful and left me feeling numb for some hours afterwards. The good thing is that after my back’s healed (eventually), I will have the smoothest back (that cost around £250 per session).
I do not know if I should worry about being addicted to cosmetic procedures and operations. Is this the beginning of a Botox, fake noses and tummy tucks career? Will I end up like Cher?

Saturday night – UP! After putting my pieces together, still having my back sore, I went to a really nice party hosted by the guy I am recently dating, called ‘D’. I’ll devote a whole chapter on the guy called ‘D’ later on. I have to say though that I had a wonderful time. The dinner party was really fun. We ate, exchanged some presents as agreed beforehand and danced. Mojito was running non stop. At some point, ‘D’s housemates and friends decided to go clubbing, leaving me and ‘D’ alone at the house. Then, the two of us had our own party. I have to say that it’s one of the best, if not the best sex I even had. A little bit of alcohol and help you express yourself, be calm and enjoy what’s happening… I have to say I love mojito!!!