I haven’t posted anything about my personal life recently. The reason is that not much is happening. I really had this feeling during the middle of the month about a wind of change blowing and how much I wanted something to change. Probably that meant to stop being single or at least meet someone new (and promising).
The thing with ‘Mr T.’ didn’t work out as I’ve said before. We are still in speaking terms though (although I’ve been advised by friends not to). He explained to me that the thing that bothered him the most was the fact that I was logged in Gaydar after we’ve met (even if we met once). He said that it made him feel like I was looking for his replacement and I was just passing my time until I found what I was truly looking for! He said that he didn’t log in to any of those sites (obviously apart from to check on me) and commented on how important it is to give full attention when meeting someone new (I couldn’t much argue there)… The thing is that I already told him that I was chatting to other guys apart from him even before I met him (he asked, I replied truthfully). I also explained that Gaydar is a means to pass time(like facebook), that sometimes I log in and leave it open without checking and that I even have a couple of friends from there (we talk about running, gym stuff, etc.). In the long term, I didn’t really have to explain myself to him but anyway. He came to the conclusion that fear and insecurity got the better (or worse) of him. He thinks very highly of me and has a very soft spot in his heart for me. He hopes that I find someone nice to settle with (that’s not him obviously) but he wants us to keep a line of communication.
‘Mr T.’ had a very serious injury recently and he gained a lot of weight because of that that made him feel very insecure and unattractive. He’s a very active person and all this left him feeling quite bad with himself. I wanted to reassure him that he being a bit overweight is not an issue and that he doesn’t have to worry about it. He’s been going to the gym 6 times per week now to get his 6 pack back. I believe that he now wants to truly focus on his workout and a line of communication open, so that he’ll try to make a move again when he’ll be feeling more secure and attractive. However, I believe that insecurities like that do not just disappear and that a relationship with ‘Mr T.’ might be a constant struggle. I can see myself feeling trapped with him as a boyfriend. Anyway, if that does truly happen in the future and he does make a pass at me, I’ll see what I’ll do…
Other than that, I’ve spoken to the GingerMan as well. He’s a nice guy and I wouldn’t mind going to his place to spend the night. I don’t feel sorry for that. I was just looking for some casual, meaningless sex. I wanted to skip all the drama and anxiety of trying to find something new. He’s definitely passed the test. We chatted a bit. He’s going to give it a try with his ex (good for him) and they’re in the process of working things out. He gave me very good feedback for our only night together (always a nice thing to hear).
Fortunately, I’ve recently started speaking to a guy from my past. We met 10 days ago when we went together to XXL after having not spoken to each other for approximately 9 months. We’re meeting again this Friday and we’re going to a birthday party / gathering. It’s familiar territory and I feel very comfortable around him. Also the birthday party would be a great opportunity to meet new people and broaden my circle of friends.
Now, it occurs to me that everything that kept me occupied recently is from the past (again). Could it be that I’m too attached to it and cannot easily let go? Maybe, I’m not learning from my past mistakes.
Hm, I’ll think about it when I’ll contact another ex-boyfriend of mine to go out…