Saturday, 8 August 2009

My first crush (+ crash)

Then you’re gay, he told me and I started crying. Everything had changed. That moment I knew that I could never go back. I had to find a new path, change direction in life and start fresh. I could no longer lie to myself and others, I could no longer pretend to have girlfriends.

I am probably running ahead of myself a bit.

That was the first gay I’ve ever met, that I’ll call A. I was already on my third year in the university (yes, I know, I am a bit slow). It was early September and I was trying to study for my exams. These years, before facebook was even invented and msn widely used, mIRC ( was very popular. It was a way to find people online to chat, on different channels. There was the channel called ‘#gayhellas’. I had the suspicion that I was gay until then (I am not that delusional), but I was still in denial and I had my doubts, so I was online, checking the gay Greek channel without speaking to anyone. Then a guy with the nickname ‘x1x1x1x’ talked to me. That was A. It’s funny how I still remember that username…

We started chatting. He told me that he is studying piano in the same city as I am, but without having to take any exams he was still away for summer holidays. It was some weeks since the beginning of the new semester and he would come back in a week or so. I told him that I didn’t know if I was gay or not and that I was just curious about the whole thing.

He asked me about my sexual fantasies and dreams. I replied honestly that ultimately, in a perfect world, if I could decide, I would select a guy for my partner and not a girl. That is when he told me ‘you’re gay. It’s nothing to worry about. Just deal with it.’

I don’t know exactly why I started crying. It was so weird hearing (reading) someone else say it to me. It was like a huge burden I was carrying until then, simple disappeared. I felt free and relieved. It’s silly, but that moment so many things in my life changed. I finally accepted myself for who I was.

I kept on talking with A for the whole following week. We spent so many hours each night, until early morning chatting. We talked about so many different subjects. He was the first gay guy I met. I could share with him all my fears, thoughts and hopes. I believed that he was the only guy that could understand me.

After all these hours of chatting, he returned to the city and we arranged to meet.

I think that it is without importance to say that I failed that week’s every exam.

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