Friday, 23 July 2010

“Indecent” Proposals…

(OK, not so indecent but that's not the point)
I mentioned in my last post how the nurse found my high blood pressure. It felt like I was having my car serviced. You go to the mechanic to check something and he finds a whole list of other serious problems! What I haven’t mentioned is the reason why…

Two nights before, while I was relaxing on my PC having the TV on, I received a text message from JJ. He sent me one of his usual long messages, even if I had said goodbye to him an hour before. We do like to write lots of stuff when we text each other. What was slightly different in that message was the ending. I quote: “Sometimes I wonder how it might feel to live with you? Ok, breathe…It’s just a long away thought and we still have a lot to do…” followed by something that I lost because I lost focus of my reading…

Truth to be told I feared that this moment would come and I somehow saw it coming. Me and JJ, we are not in the same place. He is older (he’ll kill me if he learnt I said that) with more relationship experiences. He used to live with his previous relationship. To me, being with the same person in a monogamous relationship that long is a first. Apart from that, I am slightly crazy about my living arrangements and space. Where I live is very significant to me. Nesting is something I don’t do easily and it takes me a while to get that feeling of being at home. I like my privacy and I hate it when people disturb it. OK, someone can argue with that by saying that you haven’t tried living with someone, so how do you know?

OK, I have to admit it. I am scared shitless of taking that next step. It’s the first time I am happily in love and I don’t want to ruin it. I fear that I might feel oppressed or suffocated and start being all grumpy or overreacting or just showing him my true self which he might not like! I fear that if we live together, it would eventually mean the end of our relationship! This is a decision that I can’t take lightly!

I believe that relationships should move forwards. So, I didn’t know how to tell him that I don’t want to live with him (yet) without hurting his feelings or making the situation worse! However, from his comments it was kind of obvious that he expected a negative answer. On the other hand, that wouldn’t mean that he wouldn’t be hurt…

At the end, I told him the truth. I mentioned that I don’t feel ready at the moment. I wouldn’t mind living with him in the future, just not yet. I want us to go on vacation. To simply spend some days together and see if we stand one another, is that too bad?

Fortunately, he took it really well. He said that he can see my point of view. He is probably trying to plant the idea into my head. He knows that my first reaction would be negative so he wants to make me familiarise with it. We’ll see how that will go.

In case you are still wondering, no I was just kidding. It wasn’t really that the reason I have high blood pressure…


  1. I think you did the right thing by telling him exactly how you felt. Jim was ready to live together WAY before I was and he never pushed the issue. Instead, we took our time and once I was ready, we moved in together. That ended up being a year and 10 months after we started dating, and even then, it was still a bit of an adjustment. Not because of any major relationship issues, it was mostly because I was wary about moving all our physical 'stuff' together (CDs, etc...).
    I eventually got over it, and we've been happily co-habitating ever since. :-)
    Take your time, and always be honest.

  2. "...spend some days together and see if we stand one another..." This is precisely what I would have suggested. Try staying over at his place for 4-5 days without going home at all. If it goes well, try it again at your place.

  3. I like lots of personal space and I can't function without it! I think you already know that you can't live with someone as what you value is compromised e.g. space; privacy and room to function.

    In my relationship we are not living together and it works great - but if I were asked now to move in - I'd say yes! But on the premise that there are loads of things I need to do by myself in order to keep my sanity!

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  5. Damn, commented with the wrong google account, lol.

    "Above all, don't rush it. Living together is not all rainbows and butterflies. It's when you actually get to know how the other person really works.
    Anyway, it's amazing to do so, but it'll melt your brain once in a while, lol =)

    Whatever you decide to to, do it for the best of you both.


  6. welcome to the club!

    pls take up ur pills and don't eat too much! hehehehe...unlike me i seldom eat but i stressed too much!

  7. @AJohnP How can you tell when you're ready? Probably I'll just know but I am definitely not ready now.

    @Cubby I'll let you know after our summer holidays together. Still, it's not exactly the same.

    @SteveA Yes, I could never move in a studio or something. It would drive me crazy easily. If you want to live him your partner why don't you take the initiative and ask?

  8. @Pedders Thanks. No, I don't think I'll change my mind soon. I like how we are now for the time being. I don't want to rush things...

    @Suf_n_Steve That's a nice diet. Only pill diet...

  9. Two great ways to know if you can stand to be with someone long-term.

    1. Take a LONG vacation that requires serious together time, not just running around seeing sights and keeping busy. Better yet, make it a cross-country drive.

    3. Go camping (real camping -- with a tent -- and no bathroom facilities -- and bugs -- and rain)

  10. @Mike You do make a very good point. I wouldn't object to a LONG vacation but it is not that easily arranged.
    No, I wouldn't go camping without bathroom facilities (sorry)...