Wednesday, 14 April 2010

Losing friends…

I have mentioned ‘The Brazilian’ in the past but not as much as I would like. He’s the guy I was dating for about two months around Christmas of 2008.

I don’t know where to begin to tell that story but I’ll try.
He is a very nice guy. We got along really well from the beginning. Our first date was in Vauxhall, in Barcode, and we talked about various things for a couple of hours. He is a pleasant, smiling, caring and very interested in various geeky things like manga and video games guy. That gave us some common ground to talk about and share. That first date ended with me going to his place afterwards where we had some really nice fun… (Back then, I didn’t have a problem sleeping with someone on a first date, now I am slightly more reluctant – I am probably getting old)

I was quite happy to receive a text message from him the next day saying that he had a very nice time the day before and that he’d like to see me again. So, we did meet again and that whole thing progressively evolved into seeing each other more frequently and forming a relationship.

The ‘Brazilian’ was the first guy I started seeing in a more serious way. As I’ve explained in the past, I hadn’t been dating much (to be honest, while being in Greece I only ever dated one guy) before coming to London and I wasn’t probably ready yet for a relationship. Up until that time I only had some fuck buddies. I needed space and time to get used to being with someone in a relationship. The ‘Brazilian’ being in a total different state in his life and without having a big circle of friends was coming onto me too strong too fast.

This is how I see it now. Back then I remember feeling suffocated, under pressure, in need to be left alone and do other things that did not involve him. That frustration of course didn’t come out too well to him (I wonder why). I started wanting not to spend any time with him outside the bedroom (we had fun there but that wasn’t enough) so the end of our relationship was near. I went away for New Year’s and he came to pick me up from the airport when I returned. I remember seeing him in the ‘Arrivals’ and not feeling very excited about seeing him (it was a surprise). He sensed that, although he did try to hide it. Some days later he broke up with me (I feel ashamed to admit that I didn’t have the guts to do it on my own) telling me that he could see that it wasn’t going anywhere.

I have to give it to him though. The way that he handled the whole situation was very admirable.


Some months later he contacted me again and suggested meeting. I hadn’t tried contacting him before since I was feeling guilty of being the bad guy in the situation. Even before actually meeting, he told me that he was coming out from another relationship, was in the middle of doing many changes in his life, was feeling stronger and happier than ever and wanted us to go for a pint as buddies. I didn’t see anything wrong with that, so we went out.

What he had told me was true. I could tell that he was in a happier place. He managed to get rid of some extra weight that he wanted to, making him look much nicer, and also acquired a lot of new friends. He now had a few places where he was frequently going out, getting to know all the ‘regulars’ and really enjoying himself.

After that first time we met, we went out lots of times. We went clubbing, dancing, drinking and I met some of his friends who seemed really nice people that I’d like to get to know more. He had hinted about going and staying over at his place for some ‘fun’, but nothing more. I thought that he was just being his usual horny self (he’s Brazilian after all) and I politely declined almost all of the times. I only recently slept with him (before meeting ‘JJ’) during that night of passion when I shared the ‘Brazilian’ with another guy. We became good friends that even if we didn’t meet very frequently, we had a good connection.

Unfortunately, the ‘Brazilian’ needs a green card to stay in the UK and they declined his latest application for renewal. That meant that he can’t stay any longer here. He tried to arrange a white civil partnership with one of his mates to get residency, but that was declined as well. His plan now is to go to Brazil for a while, get married there and come back as a UK resident. I don’t know how much that will take though. So, unfortunately, the ‘Brazilian’ is leaving…

I’m quite gutted about that.
His friends are organizing a surprise goodbye party. I’ve accepted the invitation for that event and I also wanted to take part in the arrangements / gift purchasing etc. That party will take place this weekend.

I sent him a text yesterday to go for a pint. I hadn’t seen him for a while, even before I went away for Easter, and I felt bad about it for not standing by him at this difficult time. His reply was a very long message in facebook.

I’m not going to go too much into detail.
He told me that he thinks I’m a great guy and that he is still in love with me. That the last time we went out, since we were just the two of us, made him realize how strongly he felt for me still. However, he knows how happy I am with ‘JJ’, so now seeing me makes him feel heartbroken and sad. He was sure that he wouldn’t like to see me again at the moment and that he needs time. Maybe, when he comes back from Brazil…

I was shocked. OK, I suspected that he might still like me, but not that much, to actually not want to see me again. I was of course flattered but the fact. I can be kind of slow (or insecure) sometimes and I don’t normally see when people are flirting with me.
However I am mostly sad that I will not get to see him before he leaves. I contacted his best mate in facebook to ask him and it was confirmed that it would be better if I don’t go to the surprise goodbye party…


  1. Aaw Nik, I'm sorry things turned out this way.

  2. Thanks Juz.
    After I've uploaded this post it made me think that I shouldn't be that self-centred. This guy has to abandon his life of 5 years in London, all his friends and loved ones to go back to a country where he sees no future in. There is a plan to come back, but still it must be really tough… On top of that, his personal life is kind of a mess…
    I should stop thinking about myself

  3. Hi Nik - sorry to hear about this. It's always hard to loose a friend. Sounds like it was a nice friendship.

    I hope he is able to get his visa issues worked at and can return to England soon. Maybe by then he'll be over you and can be your friend again.


  4. One of the great problems in life is that we're often in different places when compared with those we travel down a path with. Whether that is emotionally, in terms of maturity, experience or just where we are in life.

    Funnily enough, I just blogged some thoughts that might ring true with you (at 2.30am-ish this morning)

    Made in Scotland: Left Behind

    I think, in terms of moving forward, you can't think about what might have been left behind on this occasion.

    Who knows what the future holds...


  5. I think it does you great credit that he likes you and feels so deeply for you; and that you empathise with his feelings and have insight into your own.

    I see a lot of what you say in my experience and I know in some ways how you feel. This is a sad occassion but it is part of life. Your friend will be OK and who knows what the future holds, for you or him? I'm glad you wish him happiness. Do think carefully about going to the party, but don't rule it out :-)

  6. Kind of bittersweet. It's one of those things you'll look back from in the future and wonder what if.

  7. I'm sorry to hear this. I know the weird feeling one gets when you realize that you'll miss this person being in your life. Life is like the tide... people come and go and we need to just go with the flow.

  8. Hey guys. Thank you all for your comments. They are much appreciated.

    @NewLeaf That's the plan that he'll be back soon. I just don't know how soon ‘soon’ is...

    @MadeinScotland Yes, I read your post before writing my own. I like the poem by ‘Sprung Awakenings’. I agree that you never know what the future holds

    @Mike Thanks. I decided not to go on Sunday. I already had my doubts that were confirmed by the Brazilian’s best mate. I really don’t want to create any more problems for him. I have to think about him at the moment and help as much as possible.

    @Tornwordo True. I don’t want to go into that at the moment though…

    @Jim I like the metaphor of the tide… Thanks…

    @wozzel :-) dankie

  9. Aww. That's really too bad Nik.