Thursday, 3 February 2011

Cracks on the wall…

Life is not easy. It has its ups and downs. Relationships are also like that. They are not always ‘dear diary’ happy moments to remember. Yesterday morning I received a ‘we have to talk’ type of message from ‘JJ’. I really hate this type of messages with no real meaning but at the same time imply so much. We had a really nice time the last few times we met, so I thought there was nothing to worry about. I hoped that I had a clean record so I tried not to worry too much.

After work I went to his place as planned. He was cooking dinner when we started the ‘conversation’. Apparently what’s been troubling him is my current work situation. I am trying to make a change in my career. I want to do something different in my life which means I’ll have to do some sacrifices, especially at the beginning. No one is easily going to give me an opportunity to work in a field that I have no commercial experience on. Also, I plan to start something where contract work can be part of it. Being a contractor means that there is a possibility that I might work somewhere a bit faraway for a while, especially at the beginning. I was planning to get into a company that sends developers around companies for various projects. That would fix my CV and give me the experience I highly need. In most cases, being sent for the duration of the project to places outside London is highly possible, especially for newbies. That’s where the problem lies.

‘JJ’ simply told me that he can’t have a long distance relationship. Period. He mentioned that his last long term relationship went really bad when his boyfriend, after they had been living together for 4 years, decided to simple leave and go back to his country for some time. OK, his ex is a total bastard who deeply hurt him but that’s another long story which is not mine to share. Now, he fears that the same thing might happen again. He stated that he simply can’t go through it again, all the arguments, the drunken mistakes, the fights over a telephone etc…

I can understand where he’s coming from but I can’t help but feel disappointed / frustrated. I’m in a tight spot. I really need to do something about my career. I can’t stay where I am now since it’s starting to drive me crazy. The process of going to interviews, negotiating with possible employers, receiving rejections and the fact that I plan to lose the safety of my current job is already giving me a tough time. I need his 100% support and patience. I’m losing my sleep over this anyway…

We talked about it. We didn’t fight at all. I believe that going away for 6 months (possibly) is not the end of the world. I believe that we can get through this. I’m not his ex and I’ll be only a few hours away by train, not by plane and not in a different country for 3.5 years (that they stayed apart before finally splitting up). He’s worried about a possible scenario that might not even happen, but he can’t help it. He is generally little 'MR. Worry' about everything, sometimes to the extremes. He really is trying to support me and my decisions. He understands how this is the current situation that we'll have to deal with. He simply wanted to tell me how he feels and his worries. I appreciate that, but I can't stop feeling disappointed…
I might simply need some proper rest and I’ll feel better…


  1. I'm not sure what to tell you, but both of you talking with each other is definitely a good starting point.

  2. I agree with Erik. At least JJ didn't let his fears fester inside him and ruin what you guys have. See what time brings.

  3. Thank you guys for the comments. It simply came out as a surprise at first. We've talked about it and it's much better now. :-)

  4. "It simply came out as a surprise at first."

    It sounds like you were planning career moves that would separate you from him for lengthy periods over an indefinite length of time, and didn't think that this might, just possibly, make him wonder about your commitment to him and how seriously you took the relationship.

    A bit blinkered? A tendency to compartmentalise? Perhaps you really don't take the relationship that seriously?

  5. @Paul Brownsey. It came out as a surprise at first, because we had discussed about this possibility without any problem.
    I might have to accept work contracts away only for the first couple of years until I build my CV to a point when I'll be able to select between jobs myself.
    That period will only last for a small period of time (if it happens) and I believe that my relationship can overcome these problems. I do take it seriously and I do understand the danger... Thanks for the comment

  6. Maybe I was a bit brusque; if so, sorry.

    I wrote out of the pain of being on the 'other' side of such a situation. My partner worked for the Inland Revenue and for every step up the promotion ladder he had to give a blank cheque of willingness to go anywhere in the UK. That is how they worked: he couldn't see where the vacancies were and decide which ones to apply for but, on the contrary, he had to indicate willingness to go anywhere and *then* they would decide where to send him: it might be to the desk next to him, it might be to the other end of the country. I was in a job in which transfers were not possible, and in any case, not knowing where he might end up it was impossible for me to plan a joint move.

    The Inland Revenue operated a sort of unofficial wink-wink policy whereby if you said you were married they might - no guarantees - try to find you a place nearby. But in those days (1970s) it could be risky to tell your employer you were gay.

    We had about ten years of hell over this and split up several times. We lived in Glasgow and I found it impossible to develop commitment when the overarching thought was: "Three months from now he might be living in Plymouth."

    The fact that the separation would be relatively brief may be the the saving grace here - we never had that possibility to play with.

    (BtW, we are still together, 36 years on...)

  7. @Paul Brownsey. That's quite a story. Thank you so much for sharing it with your worries. I'd like to believe that the situation wasn't pleasant for your partner as well. If it was possible or easy I don't think he would have chosen to move so much. I'm very glad that everything turned out OK and you are still together after all these years. Maybe these troubles were what at the end what made you stronger.
    My story is a bit different. I'm trying to change my career and at the hard times we're living in, I'm struggling to get my first position. In case it happens, I might have to relocate but only for a short period of time to build my CV. I will not chase to be relocated and I will try to avoid it by any means...
    How come you are not writing a blog of your own?