As I mentioned in my previous post, each day after the dives, on Saturday and Sunday, we went to the pub. Especially on Sunday we stayed longer since it was our last day there and we didn’t have to worry about feeling hangover the next morning. Having a hangover and diving is very bad. Because of the high pressure underwater you feel ten times worse.
Anyway, everybody was trying to present themselves in a way, talking about their personal lives, their origin and work. I noticed that I was probably the only gay of the group of around 12 to 15 people. Almost everybody mentioned a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a husband or a wife and how they will probably go diving together or how their other half influenced them to start the hobby. While this conversation was taking place, I remained silent, not mentioning anything about my personal life (strike one), although, I don’t think anyone noticed.
At some point while we were at the pub on Sunday and I was sitting next to my (female) housemate. We were both taking part in the table’s conversation but as we normally do, we were finishing each other’s sentences and using our own form of communication if you know what I mean. Then, one of the instructors asked me if I am in a relationship with her. We laughed about it saying that probably we now know each other that well and that we are housemates instead of a couple. I then thought about mentioning that I am gay but I didn’t (Strike two).
As the conversation was advancing and more pints were being drunk, we talked about our future plans, in diving of course. I then mentioned that I will go to Rhodes and that I will probably dive there one of the days of my holiday. Another instructor asked me if I considered doing the advance course there, since the environment in the Mediterranean will be much nicer than a lake somewhere in the UK. I automatically thought of ‘JJ’ and how he will be patiently waiting for me to finish my dives since he is not a great fan of deep waters and would never come with me. I wouldn’t like to leave him alone or force ‘JS’ to keep him company while I’m gone. That is why I decided to go diving only one day. Instead of saying that, I replied to the instructor that my company will not be diving with me, so it’s not polite to leave them waiting (Strike Three).
Why did I just do that? What was I so afraid of so I didn’t mention that I am gay in a relationship with a bloke? Was I afraid that they wouldn’t like me? Was I afraid that they will start looking at me differently and will not allow me in or take me to the diving trips they organise? Should I really care? I just met these people and most of them I will not probably see again.
The only thing that I am slightly happy about is that I understand that what I did was wrong and that I will try to change it. I shouldn’t be feeling ashamed (and I don’t) about my choices. I’ll try to be a better person.