What personal life?

I haven’t posted anything about my personal life recently. The reason is that not much is happening. I really had this feeling during the middle of the month about a wind of change blowing and how much I wanted something to change. Probably that meant to stop being single or at least meet someone new (and promising).

The thing with ‘Mr T.’ didn’t work out as I’ve said before. We are still in speaking terms though (although I’ve been advised by friends not to). He explained to me that the thing that bothered him the most was the fact that I was logged in Gaydar after we’ve met (even if we met once). He said that it made him feel like I was looking for his replacement and I was just passing my time until I found what I was truly looking for! He said that he didn’t log in to any of those sites (obviously apart from to check on me) and commented on how important it is to give full attention when meeting someone new (I couldn’t much argue there)… The thing is that I already told him that I was chatting to other guys apart from him even before I met him (he asked, I replied truthfully). I also explained that Gaydar is a means to pass time(like facebook), that sometimes I log in and leave it open without checking and that I even have a couple of friends from there (we talk about running, gym stuff, etc.). In the long term, I didn’t really have to explain myself to him but anyway. He came to the conclusion that fear and insecurity got the better (or worse) of him. He thinks very highly of me and has a very soft spot in his heart for me. He hopes that I find someone nice to settle with (that’s not him obviously) but he wants us to keep a line of communication.

‘Mr T.’ had a very serious injury recently and he gained a lot of weight because of that that made him feel very insecure and unattractive. He’s a very active person and all this left him feeling quite bad with himself. I wanted to reassure him that he being a bit overweight is not an issue and that he doesn’t have to worry about it. He’s been going to the gym 6 times per week now to get his 6 pack back. I believe that he now wants to truly focus on his workout and a line of communication open, so that he’ll try to make a move again when he’ll be feeling more secure and attractive. However, I believe that insecurities like that do not just disappear and that a relationship with ‘Mr T.’ might be a constant struggle. I can see myself feeling trapped with him as a boyfriend. Anyway, if that does truly happen in the future and he does make a pass at me, I’ll see what I’ll do…

Other than that, I’ve spoken to the GingerMan as well. He’s a nice guy and I wouldn’t mind going to his place to spend the night. I don’t feel sorry for that. I was just looking for some casual, meaningless sex. I wanted to skip all the drama and anxiety of trying to find something new. He’s definitely passed the test. We chatted a bit. He’s going to give it a try with his ex (good for him) and they’re in the process of working things out. He gave me very good feedback for our only night together (always a nice thing to hear).

Fortunately, I’ve recently started speaking to a guy from my past. We met 10 days ago when we went together to XXL after having not spoken to each other for approximately 9 months. We’re meeting again this Friday and we’re going to a birthday party / gathering. It’s familiar territory and I feel very comfortable around him. Also the birthday party would be a great opportunity to meet new people and broaden my circle of friends.

Now, it occurs to me that everything that kept me occupied recently is from the past (again). Could it be that I’m too attached to it and cannot easily let go? Maybe, I’m not learning from my past mistakes.
Hm, I’ll think about it when I’ll contact another ex-boyfriend of mine to go out…

New beginnings

I still have a weird feeling of anticipation and that something is on its way…

‘D’ has left. I saw him once more his last night here to say a final goodbye. He wasn’t feeling that great since it wasn’t his decision to go. However, we said our civilized goodbyes and promised to keep in touch. We also had goodbye sex (I like the fact that sex now can be characterized – pity sex, friendly sex, meaningless sex etc).

The ‘GingerMan’ has reappeared. I had the impression that he was gone for good since he said about trying to get back with his ex and not contacting me for more than 2 weeks. He wanted to talk to me about his problems with his ex (?) and particularly about their sex life (????). He then started asking questions about my personal life, if I had sex since meeting him (?) and trying to get tantalizing details about what I did (????).
‘I am sorry but when did we become best friends and I missed the memo?’.
Am I overreacting? OK, we chatted for almost a week through messages about irrelevant stuff (I don’t see describing sexual fantasies as a base to a good friendship), we met once that went well, but since then he made it clear that he wanted to keep his distances.
Now, he’s back probably because he’s horny and his ex is not replying to his attempts of reconciliation. That’s fair enough, but I don’t think that it’s me he should address his issues with his ex. I really don’t want to hear about it, I’m sorry.
Am I wrong here?
OK, maybe I am being a bit harsh, but on my defense I fancied the guy and he turned his back on me after I’ve told him the troubles I’ve been going through while I was coming out. Why should I stand by him with his problems with his ex now? And it’s problems with his ex! If it was something else…

Anyway…I’m in contact with a new guy we’ll call ‘Mr. T’. After all, I am feeling the wind of change as I’ve said. I want to see how that will work out before having a post about him. I think that I am in need of something more stable emotionally at the moment… Let’s hope for the best…

Back to reality….

I’ve landed yesterday to a rainy London. I would expect that I would be sad coming back, but to be honest, I’m not. It’s a relief being again on my own and taking control of my life. While I was in Greece, I was constantly stressed about continuing the same conversation with my parents about me being gay. After we had the first, big discussion, they would ask me weird, personal questions at any given time. For example, while having breakfast a few days later my mother asked me if I had tried having sex with a woman and how that went! That is NOT a conversation you have with your mum, while you are still half asleep and trying to enjoy a cup of coffee!!! (I am not going to write my reply). In general though, things are looking good. They just need some time. They are probably coming to visit me in November as well.

Apart from that, there are some other things that happened while I was away. In the beginning, I was trying to keep in contact with the GingerMan but his responses were not as warm as expected. So, a few days later on, I found him online on msn and confronted him about that (I was in such a state after the whole thing with my parents). He admitted not contacting me much and trying to keep his distances. He said that he thinks that I am boyfriend material and he would like to get to know me more, but his ex contacted him recently and he was kind of confused. He said that his ex can get under his skin and that the timing of us meeting was not the best. I do not know if he was being honest or not but I will not spend much time trying to figure it out (again – I am in such a state). I told him that I will give him the time and space he needs (meaning I will stop contacting him) and in case he wants, he knows where to find me. I added that we never talked about us going steady and that I just wanted to get to know him better (I’ve only seen him once). Anyway, I think that this might be the end of it…

After coming out to my parents, the GingerMan out of the way, ‘D’ unfortunately leaving in two days, I feel like there’s a wind of change blowing my way.

My last night with 'D'

I’m going away tomorrow…
Tonight it’s going to be my last night with my lovely ‘D’. He’s been my summer fling. I think I have mentioned him in the past.

I met him over a month ago online. He’s still studying, waiting to finish his final project to get his degree. Unfortunately, he’s studying at the university in his country so he has to go back. He’s been temporarily living in London doing an internship for these summer months to improve his CV. I knew from the start that there is an expiry date to our ‘acquaintance’ but I can’t stop having some feelings for him. He’s amazingly sweet and kind. Also, he has the most beautiful green eyes I’ve seen. Funnily enough he likes me too.

If I didn’t know that he was going away, I would have given it more effort and I would have tried to make it work. I would have stopped talking to people online or met the GingerMan. I know that I like ‘D’ but I do not think that is enough to make us try for a serious long distance relationship in case he’s back in 12 months. He desperately wants to come back to London after getting his degree so that he can start a career here.

However, this is just some thoughts since the job market now is very unreliable and without having a degree from a UK university it’s even harder to get a proper job here. Of course I haven’t told him that I worry that maybe his dreams will not easily come true. I’ve tried to advice him as best as I can and direct him on how to find online agencies or even career exhibitions. I hope for the best, but on the back of my mind I know the possibilities. It could be much easier for him to get a job in his hometown where his parents might know some people. London’s not that cheap and it’s not easy temporarily living here while you are searching for a job that will support you.

However, I don’t know him that well and we simply do not have the proper ‘foundations’ for a long distance relationship. I believe that we’ll stay in touch. I’m also seriously thinking of going to visit him in spring, but there is no way I can promise to him I’ll stay ‘loyal’ for that year. I believe that if you say you want to commit to a serious relationship you have to try and take that responsibility seriously. Otherwise, there is no point. I’ve already discussed it with ‘D’ about where we’re standing and he’s ok-ish with it, meaning that he doesn’t really want to leave. He knew I was still going online and chatting / flirting with people. He knew that I didn’t consider myself his boyfriend this past month. He doesn’t know about the GingerMan though.

Maybe, it’s me being selfish. Maybe I want it all and I don’t want to really make an effort. It’s easier and more fun meeting someone new than trying to maintain a long distance relationship. I simply don’t know. I just feel sad…

For the time being though, I want to take him for a nice dinner tonight and spend our last night together. I’m flying late in the afternoon tomorrow and we’ll also enjoy waking up together without having to rush for something. I will try to make the best of the night and try not to worry about the rest. (At least I’ll try and enjoy it)….

Ginger Man, Part 2

GingerMan was waiting for me. He was wearing a loose shirt, a dark blue pair of jeans, sport shoes and a light jacket. He had a big smile on his face and greeted me accordingly. We started walking from the station to his place. He was very pleasant and the conversation was flowing easily. I remember we were laughing about the misunderstanding over the text messages (Ginger Man, Part 1), about who’s idea was it to meet at the middle of the night, when we arrived at his place.

His place is a very nice one bedroom flat in a newly built block of flats. Everything looks quite new and they even have their own gym, garden and patios. That’s probably the only advantage living in the middle of nowhere. You can buy a new flat, in a rather reasonable price, but you have to live in a rather isolated place. I wouldn’t do that to myself yet (although I can see some advantages).

He opened a bottle of white wine and we started a nice relaxing conversation. I was beginning to feel at ease and enjoying myself (yes, the wine does help on that). At some point we kissed and I started feeling even happier having making the choice to actually go there. We must have spent approximately 2 hours discussing about TOTALLY unimportant stuff like food we like, favourite vacation spots and theatre plays we’ve enjoyed when we decided it was time to move on.

I started feeling a bit awkward and self-conscious but I had to take a shower. I had already asked for one, but still I couldn’t decide exactly on how to behave. I mean, he obviously wanted to see me naked (fortunately) and I couldn’t pretend I was that shy or prudent that I had to hide myself. Also, I didn’t want to cause too much hassle. It was his place after all. It’s like when you are in the cinema and you want to pass over some people to reach the corridor and you’re thinking whether they should see your crotch or bum. Anyway, I pulled myself together and I stripped while he was bringing me a fresh clean towel. He stood there for a couple of seconds watching me shower which I found quite exciting. He even lit two candles in the bathroom even if I was alone.

After I finished at the shower he was waiting for me in the bedroom when the really fun began! I have to say that I really enjoyed that. It can be a bit weird having sex with someone for the very first time. Maybe weird is not the correct word, let’s say different. You are still not used to that person tastes and dislikes. However, I have to say that GingerMan and I, we seemed to be quite compatible and had a good time.

I can’t say that I slept very well that night but who cares? I woke up really early because the room was way too bright for my taste and I couldn’t fall back asleep. I spent a couple, a bit frustrating, hours twisting and turning but I didn’t want to wake him up (although I think I was waking him up every time I moved). Thankfully, at some point he woke up and we had a little bit more fun. At some point, we shared a cup of coffee and he also offered me pain au chocolat for breakfast. I didn’t stay long because his mates were coming to watch that day’s football matches.

Overall I had a really nice time and I would like to see him again. I hope he does feel the same way. It’s just bad luck that his favourite team lost that day and he was feeling a bit sad about it. However, I did enjoy the fact that we talked about it the very same day (always a good sign) and agreed on different ways I could have made him forget about it if I was there…

Ginger Man, Part 1

It’s been over two weeks since I’ve been chatting online on gaydar (http://www.gaydar.co.uk/) with a guy we’ll call GingerMan for obvious reasons. It’s started quite funny. We were chatting on a Thursday. He was quite cheeky and he started sending me a bit too naughty pictures and videos. He didn’t look extremely handsome but I was intrigued of the things he said. His answers were quite sharp and he seemed quite confident as a person which is always a plus. Also, he had ginger hair which I find quite sexy (he doesn't look like the guy on the picture, but...). I didn’t really pay too much attention to the whole conversation and I thought that that would be the end of it, when I ran into the guy in the tube two days later!

It was so random! I always thought that London is a big city but it is a very small world after all! I was listening to my music and also reading a book (I get bored quickly on the tube – it’s the same journey almost every single day) when I thought of checking out the people in the carriage. I know it’s a bit sleazy but from time to time, I like to take a look at what’s out there. Don’t judge me, everybody does it! So, I see three guys, chatting and laughing. One of them looked a bit camp so I paid a little bit more attention and the second guy looked a lot like GingerMan! I wasn’t 100% sure and I couldn’t just go to them and say: ‘hey, remember me? I’m the guy you’ve been sending naked pictures to the other day’. So, I just left it like that and decided that a message on gaydar would be much better.

Seeing GingerMan made me reconsider actually meeting him. He has an amazing deep, masculine, voice (with a weird accent that I couldn’t pinpoint) that I found very sexy. So, the next day I messaged him about it. It was him and we laughed about it a lot. He kept saying that I shouldn’t stalk people like that and I kept commenting that it’s above my powers and I can’t stop. We agreed on meeting in two weekends since he would be away on business (he travels a lot).

That weekend arrived and we agreed on meeting on Sunday evening. We were exchanging messages for that whole time. We got to the point of talking about VERY private stuff (fantasies, positions – you know… things that some people talk about after having met on gaydar) and I was very keen on meeting him. I would take the train and meet him around 7. He is a football fun and wanted to watch that day’s games. However, it wasn’t meant to be like that…

The day before, we were chatting through messages when I told him something like that: ‘I finished watching a movie with some friends, and I am on my way home. I couldn’t spend the night there, so…’. That was the misunderstanding. I used the word ‘so’ implying that since I couldn’t spend the night at my friends’, I was on my way. He understood that I was implying meeting then and that I was inviting myself to his place and he texted me about which train to get from which station!

I got all nervous again and a million things passed through my head. It was 11:00 at night. It would get me an hour to get to his place. Getting there was doable but that meant that I would have to spend the night since I didn’t know how to leave the area. However, if it came to that, I would find a night bus (or two or three) or something. Then the ‘gay’ worries hit me. Which underwear was I wearing, which underwear, did I look OK, did I smell OK (I know these are shallow worries but I couldn’t help myself, I spent the whole outdoors, in a summer warm day).

Completely by chance, I was a tube stop away from the needed train station. Maybe it was fate trying to tell me something. I also thought that it would be better taking the chance and regretting going than non going, even if it meant spending 3 hours on night busses getting home. In addition, it would be much better meeting him on a Saturday night, than on Sunday, a school night. So, I got off the tube…

We exchanged some text messages about how to get there (zone 6 of London to me is English country side) and I was on my way. I suggested taking a shower when I would get there and he was more than happy to say yes. From what we’ve been saying the previous days, sex of course was on the table. I wasn’t going there just for the fun to see the ‘suburbs’ of London.

So, after spending half an hour in a very busy train, I was getting very nervous when I finally arrived. GingerMan was waiting for me on the platform. He looked a bit stressed as well, which made me feel calmer. That was the begging of quite an interesting night…