Tuesday, 29 September 2009
The thing with ‘Mr T.’ didn’t work out as I’ve said before. We are still in speaking terms though (although I’ve been advised by friends not to). He explained to me that the thing that bothered him the most was the fact that I was logged in Gaydar after we’ve met (even if we met once). He said that it made him feel like I was looking for his replacement and I was just passing my time until I found what I was truly looking for! He said that he didn’t log in to any of those sites (obviously apart from to check on me) and commented on how important it is to give full attention when meeting someone new (I couldn’t much argue there)… The thing is that I already told him that I was chatting to other guys apart from him even before I met him (he asked, I replied truthfully). I also explained that Gaydar is a means to pass time(like facebook), that sometimes I log in and leave it open without checking and that I even have a couple of friends from there (we talk about running, gym stuff, etc.). In the long term, I didn’t really have to explain myself to him but anyway. He came to the conclusion that fear and insecurity got the better (or worse) of him. He thinks very highly of me and has a very soft spot in his heart for me. He hopes that I find someone nice to settle with (that’s not him obviously) but he wants us to keep a line of communication.
‘Mr T.’ had a very serious injury recently and he gained a lot of weight because of that that made him feel very insecure and unattractive. He’s a very active person and all this left him feeling quite bad with himself. I wanted to reassure him that he being a bit overweight is not an issue and that he doesn’t have to worry about it. He’s been going to the gym 6 times per week now to get his 6 pack back. I believe that he now wants to truly focus on his workout and a line of communication open, so that he’ll try to make a move again when he’ll be feeling more secure and attractive. However, I believe that insecurities like that do not just disappear and that a relationship with ‘Mr T.’ might be a constant struggle. I can see myself feeling trapped with him as a boyfriend. Anyway, if that does truly happen in the future and he does make a pass at me, I’ll see what I’ll do…
Other than that, I’ve spoken to the GingerMan as well. He’s a nice guy and I wouldn’t mind going to his place to spend the night. I don’t feel sorry for that. I was just looking for some casual, meaningless sex. I wanted to skip all the drama and anxiety of trying to find something new. He’s definitely passed the test. We chatted a bit. He’s going to give it a try with his ex (good for him) and they’re in the process of working things out. He gave me very good feedback for our only night together (always a nice thing to hear).
Fortunately, I’ve recently started speaking to a guy from my past. We met 10 days ago when we went together to XXL after having not spoken to each other for approximately 9 months. We’re meeting again this Friday and we’re going to a birthday party / gathering. It’s familiar territory and I feel very comfortable around him. Also the birthday party would be a great opportunity to meet new people and broaden my circle of friends.
Now, it occurs to me that everything that kept me occupied recently is from the past (again). Could it be that I’m too attached to it and cannot easily let go? Maybe, I’m not learning from my past mistakes.
Hm, I’ll think about it when I’ll contact another ex-boyfriend of mine to go out…
Monday, 28 September 2009
The city itself is really nice. It kind of lacks the architectural beauty of Edinburgh but it can be very entertaining. There are many shops, pedestrian walks and shopping centers. The city centre is very vibrant with lots of activities going on. There are all these great looking Scots all around it’s frustrating. I just love the Scottish accent as well. I was in heaven. Probably I was in heaven because of the drink prices and all the nice bars and clubs.
After having an amazing dinner at a lovely Italian restaurant in ‘Prince’s Square’ (beautiful art deco shopping centre) and the first few whiskeys in a lovely bar, we headed to a kind of sleazy club in Sauchiehall Street... It was massive. There were 3 or 4 stages with different music from garage rock, to mainstream pop. The most amazing thing was the price of the drinks. You were able to get single whisky / vodka for £1.5! I challenge you to find that in London. We danced like crazy until early morning…
Many Scotts are good looking. Unfortunately, these who are not, are unbelievable ugly…
Their taste in clothes is a bit… let’s say… hmm, not very tasteful… Most of the girls had this ugly white dyed long hair, amazingly shorts skirts and very high heels. Common trends include animal print clothes (you could find the whole animal kingdom in a single person) and lot’s and lot’s of tasteless bling fake jewelry. It was quite fun to look at, though…
They are very friendly and chatty (if you could understand the accent)…
I would recommend it everyone wanting to go for a weekend away to have some fun…
Apart from that, I didn’t win the EuroLottery last Friday. Well, I did win £2.85 so I shouldn’t be complaining. I spent £1.5 for the ticket, so I managed to double that. How should I spent the earnings?
Friday, 25 September 2009
My gym buddy (gb) is fitter than I am. From the beginning he was able to lift more weight, run more, do more repetitions and I was OK with it. I am not a very competitive guy and I know when there is no point in arguing. I just leave him make his silly comments when we tend to argue, for the fun of it. He just calls me a ‘lazy fat ass’ when I get tired easily and I call him a ‘twat’ and other similar flattering adjectives
Recently he’s started taking creatine as well and things turned even worse. I’m probably lifting half the kilos he’s using. I’m not interesting in taking creatine. My goal is to get slimmer and get a more defined body. I don’t want to go bigger. I’m pleased with the results I’ve been seeing recently with the workouts and my running (I’m applying for half a marathon next spring / summer).
However, now I’ve reached a point where I can’t see any change. My body is kind of stuck or even going backwards. I know that this is expected and I will get over it after a while. However, I have to get more competitive, even with my own self and push me a little bit harder. It’s just sometimes I feel like failing at this (not a very pleasant felling).
No, I don’t want to whine about it. I’ve always believed that if you want something changed, you have to help that change happen. Like being said in ancient Greek: ‘Συν Αθηνά και χείρα κοίνει’
(move your hand along with Athena; ie don't expect Athena to do everything for you, do something too).
So, after my weekend in Glasgow and all the deep fried stuff I’ll eat there and the booze I’ll consume, next week I start fresh with exercising and dieting.
However, do you know if there is any healthy food supplementary that will help me lose some weight and get fitter? Vitamins?
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
Yesterday, I asked from a client (whose anonymity of course I’ll protect) to send me a ‘Print Screen’ image of his desktop to check about a problem. He is a middle aged man working from home. He sent the wanted image to me. Apart from our software he was running Mozilla Firefox, Minesweeper and Microsoft Word. What he didn’t notice was the fact that the tags from Firefox were readable even when minimized and that most of his windows were about porn! I was tempted to make a comment about it to him but I thought otherwise. I could of course be wrong and web pages titled ‘Fresh Pussy’ concerned something completely different and I just have a dirty mind (I do, but that’s another issue).
(We did laugh a bit with that with ONLY a couple of colleagues)
At the evening I went to see ‘The Royal Realist’ at Riverside Studio. It’s a poignant love story of two young men from diverse backgrounds who are being pulled apart by cultural barriers and family allegiances during the major social changes in the early 1960s. All the actors taking part in it were very good and the plot even if without any surprises or twists was interesting. The dialogs were well written and there were many moments that the audience laughed with jokes concerning family ties, old traditional ways and people from the North. The play is performed in a very small theatre and most of the audience was just some meters away from the actors. That fact made the whole experience more captivating and pleasant.
This morning, while going to work I stopped at ‘Prêt A Manger’ for breakfast (I forgot to buy milk yesterday). I was sitting inside on a stool and there was a guy outside sitting on a table in front of me working on his laptop. Me being a bit higher I was able to take a glimpse (unintentionally of course) to what he was doing. He was having a voice call to (probably) his wife. Their baby was also visible waving frantically to the camera. It was amazingly sweet. The guy was actually laughing and crying! It was such a wonderful picture. It was happiness personified…
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
It’s so fascinating finding out that people are not that different and there is always someone nice enough to say something encouraging in times of need (Unexpected). Special thanks to StevieB, Godfrey, Dyl and bigislandjeepguy for that. By the way, 'BigIslandJeepGuy' sorry for not replying to your comment.
I don’t know if my posts are boring. There is not much I can do about them though, since that is the way I write / think. I assume I might become better in due time by gaining more experience and becoming more mature. Any suggestions though are much appreciated.
Monday, 21 September 2009
In general I tried and managed to enjoy the day very much. I must have waved and smiled to probably every toddler and baby in the Park. I did stop only to take a couple of pictures with my mobile. When I was finishing my first lap of 5k, some people were already finishing their second. I did my 10k in 1 hour and 8 minutes. It’s not very good but I am not worried about it. It was my first run. I’ll improve in time…
I’m definitely going next year.
In that evening I went to XXL’s birthday party. It was my second time going to XXL in more than three years I’ve been in London. Overall, I had quite a nice night out despite being a bit tired. There were a live show from ‘Dream Bears’, ‘Bears Aloud’, ‘Pepermint’ (a drag queen from NY) and from other people as well. I’m sorry to say that I didn’t know any of them. I was told about ‘Dream Bears’ being in ‘Britain Got Talent’ that night. I don’t have a TV set, so I don’t watch much of it (I only follow some things online) and I didn’t have a clue about it. They were quite fun though. I danced my night away and met a few people.
Friday, 18 September 2009
Your Blog Should Be Green
Your blog is smart and thoughtful - not a lot of fluff.
You enjoy a good discussion, especially if it involves picking apart ideas.
However, you tend to get easily annoyed by any thoughtless comments in your blog.
After the theatre play me and my two very good friends, we went for dinner in a nice local Chinese place and walked around the area. After that, I went home, saw my lovely 'wife' (don’t make me start on that again) and went to bed. That’s when it happened. I saw a ‘nightmare’ for my Saturday’s run! And it’s crazy! There is no absolutely reason for me to feel so stressed about it. And I thought that I was ok-ish about it. However my subconscious believes differently…
In my dream (which I normally seldom recall), I was getting ready for my run. I was in the correct place and I had many friends with me. That was a bit weird because I saw current friends from London but old ones from university that I haven’t seen in ages as well and from my childhood that I don’t even know how they look like now. I decided to go to pee before the start and then bad things started happening. For some unknown reasons I took my shoes off before that (don’t ask me why – probably out of respect for the toilet) and they got stolen! I couldn’t find any of friends to help me look for them so I started frantically looking all over for them but I couldn’t. I decided to replace them by wearing some else (I think I found someone’s extra pair that fitted). But, by that time, the race had already started and I had to run very fast just to reach the last group of people. I ended up reaching the wrong group and lost not knowing which way to go.
Thankfully, something woke me up at that stage (probably my lovely ‘wife’) and I was able to get some more dreamless sleep. I know this is all crazy. I am just a bit nervous because it’s my first run and I’m going alone since my running buddy is not joining me (big story). I’ve done 8 miles run in the past and I know I’ll be fine. Even if I don’t do a very good time, I really don’t care. I’ll try to enjoy myself. I’ve even created a playlist of songs to hear that I named ‘Run Fat Boy Run’ (from the homonymous movie’.
The whole dream is just from stress, right?
Thursday, 17 September 2009
I know her for ages, although we never were that close friends. The truth is she doesn’t have anywhere to go. Leaving my place means booking a hotel room and I don’t really like the idea (she’s jobless after all). She can’t find a place of her own because she doesn’t know in which area, or even city, she’ll find her new job! So, we’re kinda stuck and a bit overcrowded…
Fortunately, some friends of hers are coming back to London and she might go there. That’s after Monday though and it is really getting on my nerves. Where I’m leaving now, there’s no common room / sofa for her to crash so we’re sleeping together in the same bed (after all these nights, is there a chance I’ll become straight?). I haven’t shared my bed for so many days even with boyfriends. Ok, I am a bit selfish but I like sleeping on my own from time to time.
However, the worse thing is that she’s always there, in my room! She doesn’t have many friends in London, she doesn’t want to spend much money and she was studying after all. That means that I’ve been on my own, alone alone, only for 30 minutes since last Tuesday! Can I please scream now? I’ve tried telling her to go to places, visit the area and she does… while I’m at work.
OK, I am not going to bitch about it more. I know that it’s not easy or convenient for her too. And she’s been trying to cook me dinner or even iron some shirts of mine etc. But I really need my privacy!!!
OK, after admitting all that I feel a bit relieved that I’ve said them but guilty of being mean. She is a friend in need… If only she could go out more…
Tuesday, 15 September 2009
However, the bad thing about these celebration days (like birthday) is making you contemplate where you are and what you want to do with your life. This morning (after a great aunt of mine woke me up by calling me to wish me happy name day in the middle of the night really freaking me out) I was looking at my face at the mirror. I try not to do that often since it is not a nice view (joking) but I found new grey hair on my beard! I thought at the beginning that this was caused by being scared to death when the phone rang (really – being woken up like that really freaks me out – it’s a childhood trauma) but then I thought otherwise. I have to face to fact that grey hair in knocking on my body’s door and deal with it.
I’m just kidding, I am really in a happy state at the moment. I have a job that I enjoy (meaning that I can wake up in the morning not swearing about it – although I wouldn’t mind a nice pay rise), good friends that I love and a family that supports and loves me. Of course after the ‘Mr. T’ fiasco I am single (yet again – did my thing with Mr. T counted as ‘not being single’?) but life thought me not to worry too much about stuff not easily controlled. I’ll probably find a date soon…
In addition, this Saturday I am finally doing my first 10k run that I am really happy about (and a little bit stressed). Me and a very good friend of mine, we’re doing a run for Cancer Research UK and we’ve managed to raise a good sum of money. I should have done something similar a long time ago! I really hope this run will go smoothly and if all goes well I’ll do half a marathon next year! I discover the benefits and joy of running quite recently and I am so happy that I did...
So, what I’ve learned this day (at least remembered):
Turn your mobile phone off when sleeping
Don’t spend too much time looking at yourself in the mirror
Try to do frequent, faster, longer runs to get fitter
And most important of all: try not to think too much.
As Mark Twain said: ‘All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure’
Friday, 11 September 2009
My landlady (yes, I do not own the place I’m staying) came yesterday to let me know that she wants an increase of the rent! I am not very good at negotiating and even though the market is down and I know that there are so many places available I gave in. At least the raise is not that big and will start affecting me in winter. So if need be, I can still move (although I really really hate doing that) then! This encounter left me feeling weird (and like a fool).
Truthfully the thought that made me feel a bit better was the fact that I would spend the whole weekend with ‘Mr. T’. We chatted nicely on the phone yesterday and I really was looking forward to that. However, he sent me today an email (yes, an email) to tell me that he doesn’t want to see me tomorrow! I am quoting some phrases from his email and because of courtesy I will exclude others:
‘I do think that sooner or later you will hurt me not intentionally but…’
‘You are a good looking guy and very outgoing and have so many opportunities to meet new guys’
‘I'm not my best physically and confidence wise…’
‘…you need to be with someone who's going to be your equal…’
So basically I was being dumped for being too good for him (according to what he’s saying). What irritates me is that I should be the one to make the decision of whether he is good enough for me or not. I also believe that we needed more time to get to know each other before actually making this kind of decisions. I just feel that I’ve been unfairly deprived a chance at something…
Anyway, I am not going to go into arguing about it. I just feel a bit sad…
I’ve also have to see how I’m going to spend my weekend… Any ideas?
Wednesday, 9 September 2009
‘D’ has left. I saw him once more his last night here to say a final goodbye. He wasn’t feeling that great since it wasn’t his decision to go. However, we said our civilized goodbyes and promised to keep in touch. We also had goodbye sex (I like the fact that sex now can be characterized – pity sex, friendly sex, meaningless sex etc).
The ‘GingerMan’ has reappeared. I had the impression that he was gone for good since he said about trying to get back with his ex and not contacting me for more than 2 weeks. He wanted to talk to me about his problems with his ex (?) and particularly about their sex life (????). He then started asking questions about my personal life, if I had sex since meeting him (?) and trying to get tantalizing details about what I did (????).
‘I am sorry but when did we become best friends and I missed the memo?’.
Am I overreacting? OK, we chatted for almost a week through messages about irrelevant stuff (I don’t see describing sexual fantasies as a base to a good friendship), we met once that went well, but since then he made it clear that he wanted to keep his distances.
Now, he’s back probably because he’s horny and his ex is not replying to his attempts of reconciliation. That’s fair enough, but I don’t think that it’s me he should address his issues with his ex. I really don’t want to hear about it, I’m sorry.
Am I wrong here?
OK, maybe I am being a bit harsh, but on my defense I fancied the guy and he turned his back on me after I’ve told him the troubles I’ve been going through while I was coming out. Why should I stand by him with his problems with his ex now? And it’s problems with his ex! If it was something else…
Anyway…I’m in contact with a new guy we’ll call ‘Mr. T’. After all, I am feeling the wind of change as I’ve said. I want to see how that will work out before having a post about him. I think that I am in need of something more stable emotionally at the moment… Let’s hope for the best…
Monday, 7 September 2009
I was recently told that there is even an application in iphone that you can check people online in your surrounding area. It also displays your current distance (in miles, even yards) so that you do not have to commute much (and lose precious time from your next date). You only need a picture (preferable naked / half naked) and you start talking about where to meet, just for sex.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not being judgmental. Every person is free to do whatever he wants with his life. I’m not putting myself above that. It’s all about choices that one must make (and suffer the consequences, if there are any).
The point I want to make is about the difficulty of starting a new relationship in all that.
How easy is it to meet someone you might care about and actually make an effort to get to know him more?
Based on a recent discussion I had with friends, when you meet someone new, you have to put a little bit of an effort. You have to rearrange your schedule according to his, put up with commuting (most likely), sleeping in an unfamiliar bed and surroundings, getting accustomed to his habits, meeting his friends (trying to look extra nice besides the fact that you feel like being interrogated), taking notes about what he likes and what he doesn’t like etc.
However, what makes you sure he’s worth all that? How can you maintain your focus on that person? How can you not go back to the quick solution of meeting someone new (it’s easy, fast and hassle free)? Maybe that new person who’s behind the corner is better. How can you stop old ‘special friends’ from calling? Should you take yourself out of the ‘market’?
Probably, there is no answer to these questions. You just have to take your chances and hope for the best. It all comes down to what you feel in your guts when you kiss him for the very first time, doesn’t it?
Thursday, 3 September 2009
Apart from that, there are some other things that happened while I was away. In the beginning, I was trying to keep in contact with the GingerMan but his responses were not as warm as expected. So, a few days later on, I found him online on msn and confronted him about that (I was in such a state after the whole thing with my parents). He admitted not contacting me much and trying to keep his distances. He said that he thinks that I am boyfriend material and he would like to get to know me more, but his ex contacted him recently and he was kind of confused. He said that his ex can get under his skin and that the timing of us meeting was not the best. I do not know if he was being honest or not but I will not spend much time trying to figure it out (again – I am in such a state). I told him that I will give him the time and space he needs (meaning I will stop contacting him) and in case he wants, he knows where to find me. I added that we never talked about us going steady and that I just wanted to get to know him better (I’ve only seen him once). Anyway, I think that this might be the end of it…
After coming out to my parents, the GingerMan out of the way, ‘D’ unfortunately leaving in two days, I feel like there’s a wind of change blowing my way.